10 Wise Ways: Getting Ghosted 👻
10 Wise Ways: Getting Ghosted 👻
Everyone agrees that ghosting's on the rise / It's certainly sad news that should come as no surprise / Here's how to keep your sanity when you're getting no replies.
Is it just us, or is the hiring process becoming more callous, more crass? Are recruiters and hiring managers less courteous, more prone to suddenly going silent — ghosting us — as we anxiously await hearing back from them about “next steps”?
It certainly feels that way. There are, objectively, fewer job openings and more candidates on the market that there were a year ago. Anecdotal reports suggest that the tightening market has caused the rate of ghostings to rise.
Or maybe it hasn’t changed that much. Maybe it’s been happening all along, and we’re just more prone to noticing. Like the first sign of a fresh Covid infection, something about the way it tastes has changed.
A Cruel New World
Given the sometimes shocking behavior of companies during the recent wave of firings, it should hardly be surprising that hiring practices are also slipping in some ways. That doesn’t make it right, but I think it helps to see it in context.
In light of overnight lockouts and mass firings by Zoom, a discourtesy like this shouldn’t be particularly surprising. If you’ve been fired recently, getting ghosted by a recruiter might seem like the latest in a line of signals that the world’s all gone to hell.
It’s hard not to search for more meaning in your own situation when, after months of searching and several conversations with a prospective employer, the trail suddenly goes cold.
What does it mean when you’re ghosted? How should you feel about it? What should you do differently next time that might avoid it?
Here are some guidelines to how to think about today’s social contract between the job seeker and recruiter:
How to Get Ghosted
Adjust your expectations. It shouldn’t be this way, but it is. Companies filled with thoughtful, talented people sometimes treat prospective employees poorly during the hiring process. Even companies with the best intentions have practices that seem draconian. If you go into the process expecting the same courtesy and respect you’d get at the local bank, you’re going to be disappointed. We all hope for companies and people to do better. In the meantime, know that you’re not alone.
Be Proactive. One part of the process that you can control is the choices that you make. Plan a strategy for sending a thank you message and then following-up with the employer. After an interview — even if it seems like it’s very likely to produce a positive outcome — try not to shift into waiting mode. Focus your energy on keeping your search moving forward. If you are waiting by the phone, you are empowering people who aren’t prioritizing your safety. This will sap your energy and amplify the disappointment if you don’t get a response.
Keep Following Up. Be radically proactive! Short of stalker behavior, I’ve never heard of a candidate who lost out for being too persistent. Keep sending email messages every week or two. Giving permission to be rejected will help encourage someone who is just avoiding writing an unpleasant email to get off their butt and give you the closure you deserve. You can say something like:
Hey there. I’m just following up on this. I’m still excited about this opportunity but I’d appreciate hearing an update from you either way. Thanks!
Be ruthlessly concise and businesslike in each communication. Try not to sound impatient — even if you you have every reason to be, it’s just not a good look. Accept the answer with grace when you get it.
Stay Safe. Try not to get prematurely invested emotionally in each opportunity. This is terrible advice, friends, because it’s very hard to follow. It takes years of experience in business to learn that anything short of an offer in writing is equivalent to “no”. Don’t stop applying, and don’t stop interviewing until the ink is on the page.
Be Early. Anecdotal and survey data show that hiring managers often choose candidates who are among the first to reply. I’ve seen this in my own work: positions that aren’t filled in the first batch of candidates may have revealed a deficiency in the role, job description, or organization — not the applicants. Those who apply after the job is more than a week old might be put in a holding pattern while any number of internal issues are resolved. During this time, the recruiter might find themselves unsure of exactly what they’re supposed to tell the candidate. In my experience, jobs that have been posted for more than a month or so are very likely to garner no response.
Be Memorable. Once you’ve made a personal connection with someone, it’s much harder for them to disappear on you. Especially for an opportunity that you’re particularly excited about, strive to make a genuine personal connection with everyone you encounter. It’s hard being a candidate but it’s no picnic being a recruiter, either. They have a difficult job and appreciate candidates who show they know it. Extend some extra kindness and it be sent back your way in a little bit of extra timely information, or some off-the-record advice.
Don’t Blame the Recruiter: Remember that the recruiter that ghosted you this week has been ghosted by about eleven million times. Not everything that goes wrong during the recruiting process is the recruiter’s fault. The sickeningly accelerated pace of hiring made recruiters responsible for dizzyingly unattainable targets, ruthlessly mobile goalposts, and withering micromanagement. They and hiring managers often find them stuck in holding patterns by bureaucratic gridlock. They get put on hold, so you get put on hold.
Never Give Up: I talked recently to a candidate who was ghosted multiple times over an interview process lasting nearly six months. They stayed frosty, kept following up, and eventually got an offer and hired into a sweet senior management role. Even when you’re stone-cold ghosted, keep following up forever until the keyboard starts clicking from the impact of your old and tired bones. Put a week between email messages, then switch to a month after two or three of those. You can say:
Hi there. Wanted to let you know I’m still here, and still looking for my next role. YOURCOMPANY will always be my first choice — keep me posted!
Even if you learn the role is closed and dead, stay in touch forever or until you’re asked to stop. Ask to be considered for other roles when they re-open, and remind them of the specific title you aim to get.
Don’t take it personally. Getting ghosted doesn’t mean anything about you, your resume, what you said, or how you did. A prospective employer’s behavior may tell you something about them, but very rarely does it tell you anything meaningful about you. Here’s another tough pill to swallow: as important as your job search is to you, it might not be the most important thing in the recruiter or manager’s life right now. Practice imagining what might be going on in someone else’s work or life that could cause them to make an honest mistake.
Practice what you preach. Spend some time on Friday afternoon making sure you’ve sent replies to all of the people who need to get one from you. Praise your friends and colleagues for following through with a courteous and thoughtful reply. Beyond modeling good behavior, leaders can talk to their team about what it means to think about what the choices they make in how they communicate says about them and your company. When you make a mistake and drop the ball, admit it and share your intention to be kind and thoughtful from now on.
When you’ve been ghosted, it feels difficult to offer the perpetrator the same grace and generosity you’d hope to get yourself if you were having a bad day, weren’t sure what to say, or simply dropped the ball. I try to remember this when I find myself holding others to a standard that I can’t always be held closely to myself.