Advice Column #7: Our Crying Crier, Eyes Could be Drier
Advice Column #7: Our Crying Crier, Eyes Could be Drier
But is this letter about her, or by her?
Dear Bizlet: There’s someone I work with who is crying pretty frequently during the work day. Is it unprofessional to cry at work? —Carol
Dear Carol:
“Someone I work with?” Is it you, Carol? I think it’s you. Don’t worry, we’re good.
Is it unprofessional to cry at work? Who cares!
You’re a professional. You’re crying, which is normal. And you’re at work. So I say yes, it’s professional.
That’s not the right question. The question is: Are you safe?
Before we get to that, I want to say this: People who cry at work are my kind of people. They are processing their emotions where and when they happen. That’s awesome. I love you, crying at work people!
A few tears at the desk to help you get over something? A quick trip outside for some private moments to process? Let’s normalize this so it doesn’t need to be hidden. If the clowns in sales can whoop and chest-bump when they make a deal, you can do your thing your way.
Crying is a healthier way to deal with your feelings than bottling them up. It’s healthier than daytime drinking. That’s one way that “someone I work with” used to avoid their own emotions.
Some people are easy criers. They’ll cry at good news, they’ll cry at bad news. They’ll cry at somebody else’s news. They’ll cry at the evening news!
According to the NIH, about 20% of people have “sensory processing sensitivity” (SPS) which is associated with greater sensitivity to social stimuli. This could be a scientific reason for the hair-trigger waterworks. It’s who you are, not just how you act.
Crying at work is certainly common. According to a Monster survey, about 80% of people admit to crying at work. Another Harvard Business Review study reported about 45% of professionals admit to letting out some tears.
There is a word for people who have a problem with crying at work, and that word is “men.” Only tiny fraction of people crying at work are men. Unfortunately, due to an error which we have all been working diligently to correct, these men are mostly in charge.
I’ve talked to many managers, not always men, who see a crying person as a behavioral crisis that might disrupt the productivity of the team. This drives me nuts. Singing “Happy Birthday” to the office dog disrupts productivity, but we do it anyway. Someone had a valid emotional reason why it was a good idea.
I may find somebody’s emotional display extremely irritating, but I am not going to litigate it. “Uh, Bob, could you step into my office? Hi there. Earlier I noticed that when you learned that your sportsball team won the victory number or whatever, you became extremely animated. You jumped in the air, and did this motion with your fist, and you sung some kind of a theme song. I just want to ask you, Bob, are you ok?”
Some people have been taught to hide their emotions (except for sports 🤷♂️.) Others may have trauma that connects tears to an imminent threat to personal safety. There are gendered aspects to how crying is perceived. Let’s resist any efforts to police or control behavior at work that does not directly relate to the work itself.
A person might be crying at work because they’re not safe. 12% identified “workplace bullying” as the proximate cause of crying. If someone is crying more often than seems normal, a compassionate manager should make sure the employee is okay.
You could approach them privately, gently, and inquisitively. You don’t really need to know the “why.” And you don’t act like the professionalism police. Just say “Jeremy, I noticed you were crying, and I wanted you to know that’s ok. I just want to make sure that you’re safe.”
This brings us back to your question, Carol. Crying occasionally is normal. Nobody asks if sneezing is professional, but nobody worries about it unless it’s a signal of something deeper going on. So what’s going on?
Are you in a toxic work environment? Are you being subjected to manipulation, coercion, or gaslighting? Are you being intimidated, bullied, harassed, or threats of violence? If so, my primary concern is for your safety. If somebody you care about is in a toxic relationship, your immediately goal is to get them out of it. Find safety with a loved one, a mental health professional, a friend, or a mentor.
If something in your personal life is causing you to cry at work, and it’s becoming more frequent, it could be a sign that you need to get some help. Talk to your friends and family about what’s going on. Try to find your way to therapy or counseling.
If you’re one of the 20% or so of people who are sensitive and cry easily, I’m a little jealous. From my perspective, your sensors are finely tuned to the world we live in. Your habits might help you live a healthy, mindful emotional life that’s much harder for others to achieve.
Try not to worry about how it looks, Carol, and focus on how it is. There might be ways for you to control your crying, Carol. But you’re not going to hear about them from me. I say you’re good enough how you are. Let’s focus on changing the world so it’s safer for people like you.
I hope you’ll leave me a comment and let me know if you enjoyed this column. Thanks!