Emotional Intelligence for Everybody Else: Introduction & Part 1 - Self Awareness | Book Version
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Some people are born with emotional intelligence. These lucky few are born with a high emotional quotient. They speak this secret language intuitively from birth.
For everybody else: Come on in. Welcome! Please have a seat.
You’ve come here to increase your own emotional quotient (“EQ”) after painful encounters and perhaps two or more divorces. Your manager may have advised you of an EQ deficiency. A colleague may have suggested you’re a bit difficult to work with.
Have you noticed that you’re a bit insensitive to the emotional needs of others? Has a romantic partner or family member asked you to consider polishing your emotional skill set?
Even after years of therapy, you might still feel a little rough around the edges. None of that matters now, my friend. If your heart is open, even if it’s a little broken, you’ve come to the right place.
Together, we’ll learn about how relationships and feelings affect us and influence our work. Come with me as we grow more emotionally intelligent together.
What is Emotional Intelligence?
The world has changed, and our lives at work may never be the same. More than ever before, people expect emotionally intelligent behavior from one another in the workplace.
In small businesses and in the corporate world, emotional intelligence is a prized skill. EQ – the emotional quotient – describes how people process interpersonal relationships, emotions, and the feelings of their fellow workers. A leader with high EQ is able to elicit emotionally sensitive behavior from their employees.
Note: In this book, I’ll use the term “leader” frequently. What is a leader?
A leader influences the behavior or choices of others, or themselves.
Nike’s definition of “athlete” says “If you have a body, you are an athlete.” I’m inspired by that. Many of us have the opportunity to inspire others with our choices at work. If we don’t, perhaps we will in the future. If not, maybe we should. When we do, let’s make ourselves proud.
Emotionally intelligent people — leaders — provide transparency about how and why decisions are made. They’re receptive to feedback about their own choices and they admit their own mistakes.
Yesterday’s leadership stereotypes are giving way to engaging, empathetic bosses who act with a bias for compassion. They are supportive, vulnerable, and self-aware. Here’s a working definition of emotional intelligence:
Emotional intelligence is the ability to prioritize personal relationships, regulate emotions, express them appropriately, and understand and respond to the emotions of others.
To understand the role of emotional intelligence in the workplace, I’ve developed an approach based on four skills:
Self-awareness: Be aware of your emotions. Regulate your reactions to stressful situations. Be aware of patterns of behavior, and interrupt them when necessary. Understand your need for recognition, and inventory your capabilities and opportunities to improve.
Empathy: Understand the feelings and experiences of others before making decisions that affect them. Adopt the perspective of your team members or collaborators. Ask questions to gain understanding about the experiences of others before you act or react.
Respect: Leaders show respect by prioritizing worker safety. Understand workers’ need for emotional safety by ensuring their dignity is preserved at all times. This includes difficult conversations such as criticism or termination. The respect that leaders are shown flows from the respect they show to their workers, the consistency of their behavior, and the elevation of professionalism in their style and tone.
Compassion: A compassionate person puts their empathy and respect to work. They use their understanding of somebody’s needs to get off their butt and help out. Mastercard CEO Ajay Banga describes a Decency Quotient (“DQ”) as the genuine desire to do the right thing for employees and customers. Compassionate leaders put down the tissues and make decisions or take action to help out those who need it.
These are the four chapters of this book. In the first chapter on self-awareness we’ll discuss how an understanding of ourselves relates to emotional intelligence. We’ll talk about how a self-aware leader hones their Emotional Quotient to influence the choices and behavior of others.
Why is EQ Important at Work?
People bring their feelings to work. We might hope they don’t interfere with our jobs. Like a co-worker’s badly-behaved Pomeranian, feelings sometimes run rampant around the office. They’re a factor whether we like it or not.
Our emotional lives are like a current that runs beneath the surface of our work. Emotions influence our decisions and they affect our behavior.
Can you conjure an image for the emotional comportment of a good leader? Do you envision someone who is always cool, calm, and objective? That person does not exist. Our stereotypes, as usual, are not a realistic model for how people perform in the real world.
In the real world that I live in, high-performing people are as diverse as any other population. They defy our stereotypes. One thing they have in common is that they’re human. For now, anyway.
People experience, express, and respond to emotion. One successful person might be passionate, enthusiastic, and intense. Another is quiet, reserved, and risk-averse. The most successful leaders I have met rarely fit the stereotypical mold.
What great leaders do have in common is that they achieve a balance between the emotional energy they put out into the world and the emotional information they gain from it.
“Leadership” does not merely describe the behavior of the leader. It’s a relationship between that leader and the people they lead.
The partnership is based on give and take. It’s an emotional exchange. Emotionally intelligent leaders enable this in a comfortable, sustainable way — even under unpredictable or dangerous circumstances.
If you work with others, you’ll benefit from being able to understand their thoughts and feelings. Even someone who has little need of collaborators can benefit from awareness of how their emotions interact with their work.
Professional athletes, for example, often choose to work with Sports Psychologists who help them understand how their own inner lives impact their outward job performance.
Can your ability to better understand relationships, your emotions, and the emotions of others have any benefits to your life outside of work? With your family? With your friends? Of course. Definitely.
Self-awareness is among the most important skills for an emotionally intelligent leader.
Here’s how I define it:
Self-awareness is the understanding of how your behavior aligns with your intentions.
Ideally we could understand ourselves emotionally as easily as we do physically by looking in some kind of psychological mirror.
But this metaphor is imperfect. What we see in the mirror isn’t necessarily what’s really there. If you need proof of this, talk to a teenager about what they see in the mirror.
People with certain types of brain injuries lose the ability to differentiate their mirrored selves. Babies don’t recognize themselves in a mirror much before the age of 2. People with Body Dysmorphic Disorder develop persistent misbeliefs about their appearance even when confronted with visual evidence.
In psychology, American scientist Carl Rogers (1902-1987) was a founding father. Rogers described self-concept as “the organized, consistent set of perceptions and beliefs about oneself.”
Self-concept has two lobes: real self, which is comprised of the characteristics that define your behavior in the real world, and ideal self which describes the your vision for who you would be if you could exist without any limitations.
The gap between the two provides the directionality for your self-improvement. A vision for your ideal self is the reason why you’re reading this today.
Business psychology research shows that a self-aware person is a better leader. More confident, more creative, better decisions, stronger relationships… Hey, they’re talking about you!
All of these characteristics support the development of psychological safety. This matters for one simple reason: psychological safety is the people management concept that is best-supported by hard science. People who model psychological safety at work are contributing in a real and measurable way to the success of their teams.
Fulfillment & Impostor Syndrome
A good leader is someone who others want to work with. That doesn’t mean much if your career is headed somewhere you do not want to go.
Our internal narrative helps us cope with stress and conflict. Over time, in subtle ways, these narratives sometimes drift away from reality.
You may come to believe you’re the world’s greatest. Or you might think you’re not as great as you really are. Self-awareness is necessary if you want to keep in touch with what you have accomplished in the real world.
Our minds sometimes send neurotic antibodies to attack and resist praise or validation. This is called “impostor syndrome.”
For many that jokey term masks an even deeper feeling of illegitimacy. I’ve found that a good way to counter these feelings is to recognize the form of recognition that matters most to you.
You might make money and then come to find that it doesn’t mean much if you don’t feel respected. Or you could be put in charge of a big team, but come home feeling empty if you’re not doing meaningful work.
Being valued isn’t enough. You need real practice at self-awareness to feel valuable. Learn to find the forms of recognition that makes you feel fulfilled. Being paid in the currency that matters to you is the only way to gain satisfaction from your career.
Exercise: Allocate 10 points in total among these forms of recognition and fulfillment to indicate which are most meaningful and urgent to you right now:
Rank
Rank is an aspect of leadership that is often overlooked, especially by those new to a leadership role. Rank or seniority describes the imbalance of power between leaders or managers and those they oversee, or others with less stature or power.
That power imbalance may be quickly forgotten by someone who has newly assumed a leadership role. While the new title is fresh, they may hope to be seen as “one of the team.” Those on the team will not easily forget that someone with more power is among them.
An emotionally intelligent leader is aware of the influence that rank has on people they interact with. Their integrity precludes the use of their power for personal gain. A more subtle concern is the inadvertent and counterproductive way that rank can work against a leader’s own intent.
A leader may have trouble learning when they’ve made a mistake when those with lower rank are reluctant to point out an error to one with higher status.
This can persist even if the error threatens harm to the business. Psychological safety is supported by cultural cues that explicitly give permission for a contributor at any level to point out errors without fear of recrimination.
Tendencies
A rounded approach to self-awareness grows from three characteristics: tendencies, capabilities, and opportunities.
Tendencies are habits or patterns, good or bad, that influence the way you behave and the choices you make. Often these tendencies are deeply ingrained. When I talk to people about the tendencies that affect their work, they’ll say things like “I have always been a really fast learner” or “I’ve had poor study habits since childhood/high school/university.”
It’s not that you can’t change or rid yourself of tendencies. You can. But first take an honest look at whether that’s a change you really need to make.
Consider whether a different decision might support you on your journey. Choose instead to embrace them, understand them, or train yourself to interrupt them. There may be many different ways to put your tendencies to use.
If your tendency is to wave your fist and shout angrily at people, you should stop. But for many, the real work to be done is even more difficult. It could be time for you to start loving yourself the way you are.
As an example, some tend to accept a greater workload than we should. This can lead to a host of effects, like exhaustion, unfinished projects, missed dinners, increasingly unrecognizable family members, and disappointed colleagues.
The propensity for overwork has some poor outcomes, but it’s also associated with career success. Evidence is splattered across the LinkedIn profiles of highly effective people. It describes a diligent worker with a great work ethic. You can love these things about yourself and want to improve at the same time.
Consider the habit of holding people to an extremely high standard of quality. This can cause missed deadlines, and frustrated collaborators. It’s also the source of envy and respect from admiring colleagues who might like to emulate your results.
If we only focus on our deficiencies, our self-awareness is led astray.
Evaluate the choices that you later regret. Describe these tendencies objectively, as you complete a judgment-free inventory. Some examples of tendencies are:
A self-aware leader identifies choices that support their objectives and those that run the risk of setting them back.
Many can be an asset in one scenario but a liability in another. Be aware of patterns of behavior that have the potential to lead you away from your goals.
Be honest and forgiving in your evaluation. You’re a person, not a superhero. Everyone is prone to patterns that influence their decisions. Be realistic. Set the goal to make a better decision next time.
The definition of self-awareness is to understand how your behavior aligns with your intentions. Start with an inventory that describes the patterns you’ve noticed. Practice monitoring and interrupting your behavior when it’s necessary to achieve your goals. Aim to improve your execution over time.
The only essential credential of a leader is the desire to improve.
An example: Our hero finds themselves in a meeting where plans for a company offsite are being developed. A call is made for a volunteer to develop a presentation. The meeting is a few weeks away.
Our hero is self-aware! They feel the instinct gripping them, it is taking hold of them, in just a few moments it has nearly forced them to take on the project solo, despite the irrationally tight timeline. Packed inside this tendency to over-commit is their admirable diligence and an inspiring work ethic. These tendencies have served them well in their career thus far.
After some practice, they have become successful in interrupting this habit of volunteering for assignments unnecessarily. They take a long, centered breath. With relief, a breezy puff of silence is emitted at the precise moment where an instantaneous and ultimately futile answer would have been supplied.
That moment is all that’s necessary. Wisdom has prevailed. Instead of volunteering, our hero suggests that an even better result could be obtained if a few additional collaborators could be assigned for a team effort.
Capabilities
Capabilities and opportunities are my way of saying “strengths and weaknesses.” Why rebrand those polarized concepts? I am not a big fan of superhero terminology.
Your value is not limited to areas in which you are capable of extra-human performance. An assessment of opportunities for improvement should not be limited to vulnerabilities that, if revealed, might be exploited by an arch nemesis. In fact let’s keep those secret, you know, for safety.
There is a popular “Superpower” framework for profiling your workplace persona. It was developed by very smart consultants, and is utilized by very big companies. The idea is that an individual can identify areas in which they are extraordinary. By emphasizing special skills, our heroes unlock opportunities to magnify their impact as part of a team. Truly, this is a hard thing to hate. If it works for you, go with it.
There are other ways to understand yourself. There are drawbacks to magnifying one essential aspect of your persona. Just ask Bruce Banner. It’s undeniable that it can be effective to drive improvement through focus on a single metric. “North Star” product management works this way, sometimes. Low-calorie diets operate on this principle, more or less.
At one time I thought my superpower was “Vision.” I got a little too attached to the idea of myself as a visionary. I fell in love with the sound of my own voice for a while. Too much empathy can be problematic for people who struggle with boundaries. If you’re managing emotional intelligence as a “superpower,” you might struggle to keep your emotions in a healthy balance.
Think instead of capabilities as a judgment-free inventory of the skills you deploy at work. It’s important and can be difficult to make this inventory objectively. Many of us are prone to describing our strengths as weaknesses. You might say “I always take charge of a situation and relentlessly organize everything until it makes sense.” That’s one client of mine describing her “weakness.” I know, right?
(Let’s pause for a brief message from a friend of mine in the mental health profession. Do not appropriate psychiatric diagnoses like OCD or ADD and use them jokingly to label peculiar work habits. It’s not funny. If you’re organized, that’s great, own it! If you’re distracted, I understand, and you can choose to improve it if you try. If these issues are interfering with your work, it’s nothing to joke about. Talk to a qualified clinician.)
Subtract judgment from your inventory by eliminating terms like “always”, “never”, or “obsessively.” Inventory what you can do by saying what you have done. Look at your resume or profile for evidence of your accomplishments. “I organize complicated situations…”
Instead of trying to open a can of olives with Wolverine claws-for-hands, we now have regular human hands, and a handy Swiss Army Knife in our pocket. Doesn’t that seem more reasonable?
Exercise:
What tendencies (habits or patterns) have you noticed in your career? Describe one that’s supporting your goals and one that could hold you back.
1)
2)
What are 2 top capabilities that are most relevant to your current role?
1:
2:
What are my skills or talents that are demonstrated by past experience e.g. appear on my résumé or profile (or should)?
1:
2:
Opportunities
I’ve redefined “weaknesses” as opportunities — things we want to improve. A client once said that the single essential characteristic of a leader is their desire for professional growth.
I prefer “improvement” to “growth” because I like to lower the stakes a bit when I can. Life is hard enough, don’t you think?
I prefer the image of a leader sharpening the tools in their toolbox. It’s a bit more achievable than picking up a Hunger Games survival skill like archery, or bursting into an unfamiliar situation like, I don’t know, defusing a ticking time bomb. Those are scenarios for ambitious, aggressive people looking to rapidly advance by acquiring new skills. If that’s you, my friend, I completely support you!
There are other, valid models for successful people. You can quietly, mindfully practice your craft without hustle-culture values that are pervasive on social media. Your ambition might be to deepen your relationships, make fewer mistakes each year, and to act as an evergreen role model for the next generation.
In either case, the opportunities for development lie in the gap between your capabilities and your unrealized potential. You could imagine developing into a leader who is a strong force for diversity and inclusion at work. Does having a meeting on your calendar at 7:30am move you closer to that goal? Does ending the year with no unused vacation days mean that you’re weak or deficient?
Hell no! You have identified your opportunity, sibling! And it’s a bad-ass one, by the way. Naming your personal growth is like kicking open a door. Pass through the door, and head down the corridor. The act of choosing a direction for development, any direction, provides strength in your career.
Many people never make intentional career choices like this. If you do make choices like these, you’ll be building a framework that will help guide you in every aspect of your life. Whoa, I just got really excited about this!
Identify opportunities that address situations when you’ve felt disappointed by your choices or dissatisfied with the outcomes. Consider the moments where you can see yourself becoming something greater than you are today. These awaken your self-awareness and direct your personal improvement. This is your chance to move forward. Hey, we’re really doing this!
Are you feeling like you’re not quite the person you wish you were? We ain't got time for that right now, pal! Think instead about becoming the person you want to be. That’s what makes a self-aware leader: someone who sees the path between the person who exists today and the potential for the person who fills that space tomorrow.
That’s where this train is going, friend, and it’s leaving right now! Get on board.
Exercise: Warning: This is the hardest part of the book. Buckle up.
Step 1. Write three words that describe characteristics of your ideal self. These represent how you’ll be after you’ve improved from your current self.
Step 2. Write three words describing characteristics that describe opportunities for your self to improve. Reflect on areas where you have felt disappointed or dissatisfied.
Step 3: Look at the three words from Step 2. Forgive yourself for these disappointments.
Step 4: Nice try. Go back to step 3, buddy. Now do it like you mean it.
🧭 Special for Managers: Learning the Truth
There comes a time for leaders when the mirror no longer tells you how you look. As your role grows, the people you work with no longer find it easy to tell you the truth.
The power differential between managers and their team makes it more difficult for leaders to be honest and open. Managers at all levels struggle with this.
Here are some tips on how to build trust, candor, and safety. They’ll help you learn what you need to hear, and enable you to build your self-awareness:
It’s most important to be calm and be patient. Too many overt statements about candor and openness can be counter-productive. Leaders who seem frustrated and impatient with their own needs also seem ignorant of the challenges in providing it.
When you do get feedback, ruthlessly regulate your reaction to it. Try very hard not to have any reaction at all beyond “thank you.” Save your analysis, explanation, follow-up, appreciate, or reward for later. Your goal should be to keep the stakes as low as possible.
Later, it’s a nice idea to provide low-key, heartfelt recognition to someone who has provided valuable feedback. It should say “nice going, thank you, keep going” but not in a way that seems embarrassing or ridiculous. Perhaps a gift card for a lunch. Do not make a spectacle, please.
Demonstrate to your team that you are learning from the feedback that they’re giving you. Recognize the source of the information that you’re getting, but for the love Ellen Ripley, only do this once. If you say once that you learned from In-Young that there’s 40 support tickets a week about the Patagonia project, you both sound smart. If you say it twice, it is embarrassing to both of you. Got it?
Accept feedback in more than one way. Don’t depend on a single mechanism, like a team meeting, to learn you what you need to know. Aim to offer at least five different ways of getting feedback, including at least two that are anonymous. Here are ten to get you started:
manager-feedback@company.com email alias
#feedback-ideas Slack channel
Old-fashioned paper suggestion box
5 minutes at the end of the team meeting
3 minutes and the end of a 1:1
Anonymous Google form or poll
Anonymous Slack form or poll
Survey delivered by email
Employee Exit interviews
Manager-initiated skip-level interviews
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The next articles in this series, starting with Part 2: Empathy, are now available for subscribers only.
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