Emotional Intelligence for Everybody Else: Part 1 - Self Awareness
Some are born emotionally intelligent, engaging empathetically and effortlessly with everyone they meet. They must be stopped. Wait I mean here's how to be like them.
Introduction
Some are born emotionally intelligent. These lucky few possess an intuitive emotional quotient (“EQ”). It’s like they speak a secret language wordlessly from birth.
For everybody else… welcome, please have a seat! You’ve come here to increase your EQ after painful or disappointing encounters and perhaps two or more divorces. You may have been advised of an EQ deficiency by a manager. A colleague may have politely suggested you’re a bit difficult to work with.
Has any evidence cropped up in other aspects of your emotional life? Has a romantic partner or family member alerted you to the need to polish your emotional skill set?
Even after years of therapy, are you still feeling a little rough around the edges? None of that matters now, my friend. If your heart is open, even if it’s a little broken, you’ve come to the right place.
Join me on this journey as we learn about relationships and feelings. Come with me as we grow more emotionally intelligent together. This is Part One of a Four part series.
What even is Emotional Intelligence?
The world has changed and our lives at work may never be the same. More than ever before, people expect emotionally intelligent behavior from one another in the workplace.
In small businesses and in the corporate world, workers respect leaders who prioritize emotional intelligence. EQ – the emotional quotient – describes how bosses process interpersonal relationships, emotions, and the feelings of their workers. A manager with EQ is able to elicit emotionally sensitive behavior from their employees.
High-EQ managers provide their teams with transparency about how and why decisions are made. They’re receptive to feedback about their own performance and more willing to admit their own mistakes. Yesterday’s leadership stereotypes are giving way to engaging, empathetic bosses who act with a bias for compassion. They are supportive, vulnerable, and self-aware.
Here’s a working definition of emotional intelligence:
Emotional intelligence is the ability to prioritize personal relationships, to regulate one’s emotions, to express them appropriately, and to understand and respond to the emotions of others.
In understanding the role of emotional intelligence in the workplace, I’ve developed an approach based on these four skills:
Self-awareness: Be aware of your emotions. Regulate your reactions to stressful situations. Be aware of patterns of behavior, and interrupt them when necessary. Understand your need for recognition, and inventory your capabilities and opportunities to improve.
Empathy: Work to understand the feelings and experiences of others before making decisions that affect them. Adopt the perspectives of your team members or collaborators. Ask questions to gain understanding about the experiences of others before you act or react.
Respect: Leaders show respect by prioritizing worker safety. We understand workers’ need for emotional safety by ensuring their dignity is preserved at all times, even during difficult conversations such as constructive criticism or termination. The respect that leaders are shown follows the respect they show to their workers, the consistency of their behavior, and the elevation of professionalism in their style and tone.
Compassion: A compassionate person puts their empathy and respect to work when they use their understanding of somebody’s needs to get off their butt and help out. Mastercard CEO Ajay Banga describes a Decency Quotient (DQ) as the genuine desire to do the right thing for employees and customers. Compassionate leaders put down the tissues and make decisions or take action to help out those who need it.
This article is the first of four in a series. We’ll discuss how self-awareness relates to emotional intelligence, and how a self-aware leader practices EQ.
Why is EQ Important?
People bring their feelings to work. We hope they don’t, but like a badly-behaved dog, sometimes they do.
Our emotional lives run beneath the surface of our work. Emotions influence our decisions and affect our behavior like an unsteady invisible hand.
Can you conjure an image for the emotional comportment of a good leader? Do you envision someone who is cool, calm, and objective? That person does not exist. Our stereotypes, as usual, suck.
In the real world, high-performing people are as diverse as any other population. They defy our stereotypes. One thing they have in common is that they’re human, for as long as that lasts.
They experience, express, and respond to emotion. One successful person might be passionate, enthusiastic, and intense. Another is quiet, reserved, and risk-averse. The most successful leaders I have met rarely fit the stereotypical mold.
What great leaders do have in common is the balance they achieve between the emotional energy they put out into the world and the emotional information they gain from it.
“Leadership” does not merely describe the behavior of the leader. It’s the relationship between that person and the people they lead. The partnership is based on give and take. It’s an emotional exchange. Emotionally intelligent leaders enable this in a comfortable, sustainable way under unpredictable and even dangerous circumstances.
If you work with others, you’ll benefit from being able to understand their thoughts and feelings. Even someone who has little need of collaborators can benefit from awareness of how their emotions interact with their work. As an example, professional athletes often work with Sports Psychologists who help them understand how their own inner lives impact their outward job performance.
Can your ability to better understand relationships, your emotions, and the emotions of others have any benefits to your life outside of work? With your family? With your friends? Of course. Definitely.
Self-awareness
Self-awareness is among the most important skills for an emotionally intelligent leader. Here’s how I define it:
Self-awareness is the understanding of how your behavior aligns with your intentions.
Ideally we could understand ourselves emotionally as easily as we do physically by looking in some kind of psychological mirror. But this metaphor is imperfect. What we see in the mirror isn’t necessarily what’s really there.
People with certain types of brain injuries lose the ability to differentiate their mirrored selves. Babies don’t recognize themselves in a mirror much before the age of 2. People with Body Dysmorphic Disorder develop persistent misbeliefs about their appearance even when confronted with visual evidence.
In psychology, American scientist Carl Rogers (1902-1987) was a founding father. Rogers described self-concept as “the organized, consistent set of perceptions and beliefs about oneself.” Self-concept has two lobes: real self and ideal self. The gap between the two provides the directionality for our self-improvement. That is why you’re reading this today.
In business the research shows that a self-aware person is a better leader. More confident, more creative, better decisions, stronger relationships… Hey, they’re talking about you!
All of these characteristics support the development of psychological safety on your team. This matters for one simple reason: psychological safety is the people management concept that is best-supported by hard science. Leaders who model psychological safety are contributing in a real and measurable way to the success of their teams.
Fulfillment & Impostor Syndrome
A good leader is someone others want to work with. That doesn’t mean much if your career is headed somewhere you do not want to go.
Our internal narrative helps us cope with stress and conflict. Over time, in subtle ways, these narratives sometimes drift away from reality. You may come to believe you’re the world’s greatest, or you might think you’re not as great as you really are. Self-awareness keeps you in touch with what you have accomplished in the real world.
Our minds sometimes send neurotic antibodies to attack praise or validation. This is called “impostor syndrome.” For many that jokey term masks an even deeper feeling of illegitimacy. I’ve found that a good way to counter these feelings is to recognize the form of recognition that matters most to you.
Some make money, but find it means less if they don’t feel respected. Others lead a big team, but feel empty if they’re not doing socially meaningful work. Self-aware leaders need to understand the form of recognition that makes them feel fulfilled. Being paid in the currency that matters to you is an effective treatment for impostor syndrome.
Rank
Rank is an aspect of leadership that is often overlooked, especially by those in a new leadership role. Rank or seniority describes the imbalance of power between leaders or managers and those they oversee or those around them with less stature, or power.
That power imbalance may be quickly forgotten by someone who assumes a new leadership role. They hope to be seen as “one of the team.” Those on the team do not easily forget that someone with more power is among them.
An emotionally intelligent leader is always aware of the influence that rank has on the people they interact with. Their integrity precludes the use of their power for personal gain. A more subtle concern is the inadvertent and counterproductive way that rank can work against a leader’s own intent.
A leader who is well-respected by their team might have trouble learning when they’ve made a mistake. This can persist even if the error threatens harm to the business. Psychological safety among the team counteracts this, through cultural cues that explicitly give permission for a contributor at any level to point errors without fear of recrimination.
Tendencies
A rounded approach to self-awareness grows from three characteristics: tendencies, capabilities, and opportunities.
Tendencies are habits or patterns, good or bad, that influence the way you behave and the choices you make. Often these tendencies are deeply ingrained. When I talk to people about the tendencies that affect their work, they’ll say things like “I have always been a really fast learner” or “I’ve had poor study habits since childhood/high school/university.”
It’s not that you can’t change or rid yourself of tendencies. You can. But first take an honest look at whether that’s a change you really want or need to make. There may be a different decision to make about the behaviors that make you who you are. You could choose instead to embrace them, understand them, or train yourself to interrupt them. There may be many different ways to put your tendencies to use.
If your tendency is to shout angrily at people, you should probably try to stop. But for many, the real work to be done is even more difficult. As a grown adult it may be time for you to start loving yourself just the way you are.
Take as an example the tendency of some to accept a greater workload than we should. This can lead to a host of bad effects including exhaustion, unfinished projects, increasingly unrecognizable family members, and disappointed colleagues.
The propensity for overwork is sometimes associated with poor outcomes. It’s also often associated with career success. Evidence of this tendency is splattered across the LinkedIn profiles of many highly effective people. It describes a diligent worker with a bias for action and a great work ethic. Recognize that you can love these things about yourself and want to improve yourself at the same time.
Consider the habit of holding people to an extremely high standard of quality. This can lead to missed deadlines, and frustrated, exhausted collaborators. It’s also the source of envy and respect from a community of admiring colleagues who’d like to emulate our results. If we only focus on our deficiencies, our self-awareness is led astray.
Evaluate instances in which you made choices or behavior that you later regret or wish you could revisit. Try to describe these tendencies objectively, as a bystander would, as you complete a judgment-free inventory. Some examples of tendencies are:
A self-aware leader identifies tendencies that support their objectives, and those that run the risk of setting them back. Many can be an asset in one scenario but a liability in another. Be aware of patterns of behavior that have the potential to lead you away from your goals.
Be honest and forgiving in your evaluation of yourself. You’re a person, you’re not a superhero. Everyone is sometimes prone to patterns of behavior that influence their decisions. It’s not realistic to completely eliminate these incidents. Set the goal to make a better decision next time you encounter a similar situation.
The definition of a self-aware leader is someone who understands how their behavior aligns with their intentions. Start with an inventory that describes the patterns you’ve detected. Practice monitoring and interrupting your behavior when it’s necessary to achieve your goals. Aim to improve your execution over time. The desire to improve is the essential credential of a leader.
An example: A leader finds themself in a meeting where plans for a company offsite are being developed. A call is made for a volunteer to develop a presentation. The meeting is a few weeks away.
Our leader is self-aware! They feel the instinct gripping them, it is taking hold of them, in just a few moments it has nearly forced them to take on the project solo, despite the irrationally tight timeline. Packed inside this tendency to over-commit is their admirable diligence and an inspiring work ethic. These tendencies have served them well in their career thus far.
After some practice, they have become successful in interrupting this habit of volunteering for assignments unnecessarily. It takes a long, centered breath and a puff of silence is emitted at the precise moment where an instantaneous answer would have been supplied.
That moment is all that’s necessary, and wisdom has prevailed. Instead of volunteering, our leader can now suggests that an even better result could be obtained if a few additional collaborators could be assigned for a team effort.
Capabilities
Capabilities and opportunities are my way of saying “strengths and weaknesses.” Why rebrand those polarized concepts? I am not a big fan of superhero terminology. Your skills inventory should not be limited to areas in which you are capable of extra-human performances. An assessment of opportunities for improvement should not be limited to vulnerabilities that, if revealed, might be exploited by an arch nemesis. Let’s keep those secret, you know, for safety.
There is a “Superpower” framework for profiling your workplace persona. It was developed by very smart consultants, and is utilized by very big companies. The idea is that an individual can identify areas in which they are extraordinary. By emphasizing special skills, our heroes unlock opportunities to magnify their impact as part of a team. Truly, this is a hard thing to hate. If it works for you, go with it.
There are other ways to understand yourself. There are drawbacks to magnifying one essential aspect of your persona. Just ask Bruce Banner. It’s undeniable that it can be effective to drive improvement through focus on a single metric. “North Star” product management works this way, sometimes. Low-calorie diets operate on this principle, more or less.
At one time I thought my superpower was “Vision.” I got a little too attached to the idea of myself as a visionary. I fell in love with the sound of my own voice for a while. Too much empathy can be problematic for people who struggle with boundaries. If you’re managing emotional intelligence as a “superpower,” you might struggle to keep your emotions in a healthy balance.
Your capabilities are a judgment-free inventory of the skills you deploy at work. It’s important and quite difficult to make an objective inventory. Many of us are prone to describing our strengths as weaknesses. One might say “I always have to take charge of a situation and relentlessly organize everything until it makes sense.” That’s a client of mine describing her “weakness.” I know, right?
(Let’s pause for a brief message from a friend in the mental health profession. Let us not appropriate psychiatric diagnoses like OCD or ADD and use them to label our peculiar work habits. If you’re organized, that’s great, own it! If you’re distracted, I understand, you should work to improve that. If those matters are interfering with your work, it’s nothing to joke about. Talk to a clinician.)
Subtract judgment by eliminating terms like “always”, “never”, “obsessively”, “unnecessarily.” Inventory what you can do by saying what you have done. Look at your resume or profile for evidence of your accomplishments. “I organize complicated situations…”
Instead of putting us in the position of trying to open a can of olives with Wolverine claws-for-hands, we now have regular human hands, and a handy Swiss Army Knife in our pocket. Doesn’t that seem more reasonable?
Opportunities
I’ve redefined weaknesses as opportunities for improvement. A client once said that the single essential characteristic of a leader is their desire for professional growth. I prefer “improvement” to “growth” because I like to lower the stakes a bit when I can. Life is hard enough.
I prefer the image of a leader sharpening the tools in their toolbox. It’s a bit more achievable than picking up a Hunger Games skill like archery, or bursting into an unfamiliar situation like defusing a ticking time bomb. These are scenarios for ambitious, aggressive people looking to rapidly advance by developing new skills. If that’s you, my friend, I completely support you!
Another valid model for a successful person is someone who is quietly, mindfully practicing and refining their craft. Their ambition might be to deepen their relationships, make fewer mistakes each year, and act as an evergreen role model for the next generation of leaders to follow.
In either case, the opportunities for development lie in the gap between your extant capabilities and your unrealized potential. Let’s imagine that your aim is to become a leader who is a strong force for diversity and inclusion at work. If your current execution falls a bit short of that goal, does that mean that you’re in any way weak or deficient?
Hell no! This is an opportunity, sibling! And that would be a bad-ass one, by the way. By identifying this opportunity for your personal growth you have kicked open a door. Pass through this door, and head down the corridor. You will become a stronger leader, and a better person. Whoa, I just got really excited about this!
Identify opportunities that address situations when you’ve felt disappointed by your choices or dissatisfied with the outcomes. Consider the moments where you can see yourself becoming something greater than you are today. These awaken your self-awareness and direct your personal improvement. This is an opportunity to move forward. Who, we’re really doing this!
Are you feeling like you’re not quite the person you wish you were? We ain't got time for that right now, pal! Think instead about becoming the person you want to be. That’s what makes a self-aware leader: someone who sees the path between the person who exists today and the potential for the person who fills that space tomorrow.
That’s where this train is going, friend, and it’s leaving right now! Get on board.
Wrapping it Up
Regulate and balance your ambitions for self-improvement with a measured dose of realism. Treat yourself with patience and grace. Channel your aspirations as a source of inspiration.
It’s essential that your self-awareness is informed by outside perspectives. Think critically about what sources of information you allow to influence your assessment.
The relationships you’ve built, the successes you’ve earned, and the accomplishments you’ve achieved are all evidence. The profiles of influencers are not. Rely on the people who know you best to inform your self-image. Be wary of any beliefs, good or bad, that you cannot externally verify.
Tips for Self-Awareness
Journaling is an effective practice for self-observation, and also creates a useful business record as a side effect.
When getting feedback or criticism, stay quiet. Say thank you, and make it sincere. If you must say something, ask a question.
Most mistakes are made in haste. When things start speeding up, slow down.
The sooner you admit you’re wrong, the smarter you’ll look.
If two people tell you something about yourself, assume everybody else already knows.
Leave a comment so I can learn what you think about this article. Thank you!
The next articles in this series, starting with Part 2: Empathy, are now available for subscribers only. Also be sure to see the first article, Part 1: Self-Awareness.
All four articles are collected in a revised and expanded 55-page eBook edition.
If you’d like to support my continued creation of this and other series on management and leadership, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.
Hundreds of Business Letters clients benefit from coaching. They advance in their career, find new jobs, developed new skills, earned promotions, and become better managers by increasing their emotional quotient.
Loved this. Can't wait for the next installment!