How to Be Kind
Don't let discourtesy and disrespect define your culture.
We’re in a glass-walled conference room, in the office of a technology company. A charismatic middle-aged man is running the show. He’s a vice president at a technology company. The company is well-established and very wealthy. So is the man.
About a dozen people are assembled here, and a dozen more by video. This meeting happens every other Thursday. This is a cross-section of teams that add up to hundreds of people. They all work for our VP, let’s call him Chuck.
Chuck seems to be having a tough day, again. His colleagues take turns reading out their status updates. They’re briefing Chuck on the progress of their work on a venture he’s responsible for. Chuck is not happy with what he’s hearing. He responds to each with impatience, frustration, sometimes even anger to the progress reports read out in this meeting. It’s like this every week.
Today, Chuck is focusing a particularly impertinent dose of his disappointment on Bianca. She’s reporting on a system meant to automatically correct errors in content uploaded by customers. It’s successful 92% of the time. Chuck is extremely unhappy with this result.
“I don’t understand why we can’t reach 100% accuracy here,” he says.
Bianca takes a pause. “There are many reasons,” she says. “It might be best if we take the conversation offline.”
Chuck’s expression is sour, and his tone is impatient. With a clipped delivery, he repeats his demand for a concise explanation of the problem. Bianca begins to explain some of the nuances. Chuck is irritated and he cuts her off. He’s displeased not only with the data she’s reporting, but it’s clear to everyone that he’s unhappy with Bianca. He’s chastising her, her team, and various aspects of their work.
Everyone is embarrassed for Bianca, but nobody is surprised. This scene or one like it repeats itself every week. This is what it’s like working with Chuck. A good meeting is when he ignores you. In a bad one, he disassembles you in front of your peers. It’s like a dangerous, scary ride in a terrible amusement park. You look forward to the end. You unbuckle, you disembark, and you get back in line until it’s time to ride again.
What Discourtesy Means & Why it Matters
Casual displays of discourtesy and disrespect are common in many workplaces. In many, it’s a low-key strain on everybody involved. In the worst it means witnessing or being the victim of some kind of emotional cruelty almost every day.
What kind of person treats others this way? There are very few actual monsters out there. Many are decent people with a dangerous combination of poor self-awareness and the inability to regulate their own emotions. It’s not an excuse, but it’s an explanation for why it’s so common in successful people.
It’s wrong to be discourteous or rude — we all agree on that. We don’t often talk about the reasons why it happens, and what to do about it.
Most offenders know, on some level, that they have a problem. By the time they arrive in your conference room, they’ve probably gotten some feedback about it— perhaps not enough. Most people who behave badly (and I have sometimes been one of them) believe they are prone to bad behavior, but that they have it mostly under control.
They’re wrong. Most people who are difficult to work with are unable to control their own behavior in the moment, which of course is when it really matters. Most discourtesy arises not from a cold dead heart, but from a chronic lack of self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-control.
Daily discourtesy matters much, much more than is often discussed. Our most urgent and immediate need at work is for safety. We expect a workplace free from harm. That includes emotional harm.
Even when bad behavior is relatively benign, being treated poorly causes our stress level to rise. It’s bad for our health, bad for business, and bad for the world at large.
Moreover, those who behave emotionally unintelligently put themselves and everyone around them at risk. Imagine a person who makes a poor attempt at humor and inadvertently offends a colleague. If an honest error is made by a kind and considerate person, it may quickly be forgiven. If that person is consistently a jerk, it’s much more likely to wind up becoming an HR complaint or a lawsuit.
Badly-behaved leaders influence their team members. People make all kinds of efforts to earn managers’ favor, even unintentionally. That includes the emulation of a manager’s tone and approach to their colleagues. Entire corporate cultures, both good and bad, grow from the behavior of their leaders. This phenomenon is what’s behind both the very best and very worst employee retention rates in the business.
What to Do
Let’s start by addressing those of us who are aware that in our current work situation, we’re not always displaying the emotional intelligence we know we’re capable of. How can you get better at treating the people around you the way they want and deserve?
Here some suggestions:
Slow down. Many of us aren’t at our best when under stress, time pressure, or in a high-stakes situation. When you know your inner peace and equanimity will be challenged, make an effort to speak and act with more deliberate intention. When you feel your emotions taking over and self-regulation slipping away, force yourself to take an extra breath. Then take another. When it’s your turn to speak, or before you respond to someone, complete these two extra respirations before sound starts coming out of your mouth. See if that helps you reduce some of the volatility in your interactions with people.
Be vulnerable. If you’ve behaved in a way that you’re not happy with, consider letting other know about it. Say something like “Hey, Griffin, I wanted to let you know that I was not completely delighted with my performance in our meeting on Tuesday. I let my impatience take over. I’m trying to work on that, and I’m sorry for making the experience of working with me unpleasant.” Even when an apology isn’t necessary, admitting that you’re wrong is usually received well. It’s a great way to activate the empathy of your colleagues and start building trust and respect.
Talk to someone like a therapist or a coach. You don’t need to believe that you’re having mental health problems for some talk therapy or coaching to do a lot of good. In my opinion, a lot of the benefit comes from talking about what’s going on. Hearing your own thoughts spoken out loud can transform their meaning, and a significant part of the value from talking with someone is having a regular safe space to get those words out.
What if you’re on the receiving end of bad behavior at work from a manager or a peer? How can you deal with them in a way that doesn’t torpedo your career? Here are a few ideas:
Are you safe? This is for people who are really suffering at work from shitty managers or peers. First, know that you’re not alone. I talk to people regularly who tell me all kinds of crazy stories about their harmful environments. Abuse takes many forms, and it can be extremely difficult to judge the severity of your own situation. I need for you to critically evaluate — on your own or with a trusted confidant — whether your situation is manageable, or whether it’s subjecting you to lasting harm. If so, my priority for anyone in an abusive relationship is to get them out of a dangerous situation into a safer one. That can be difficult, because our jobs are tied to our financial security and emotional identity. For some, making the decision to prioritize their own safety is the first step in making an important career change.
Give feedback. You’re not helping an ill-mannered colleague or manager by ignoring their behavior, serially forgiving it, or dismissing it as a personality quirk. Most people welcome feedback when it’s framed in a positive way. “Hey Sheryl, I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it when you take the time to listen to my point of view in our meetings. You’re going to get my best when I’m able to feel heard in our collaborations.“ If you get a poor reaction to thoughtful, carefully-presented feedback — well, at least you tried.
Consider making a report to HR or a skip-level manager. This can be tough to navigate. Depending on the situation, you might be concerned about retaliation for making a complaint. Or you might be concerned about being perceived as a complainer. There’s no easy answers here, you’ll need to judge your own situation. One thing to consider is whether you think the situation you’re in is also likely to put others at risk in the future. Somebody who assumes the risk of getting HR or a senior involved, in this case, is acting very generously towards others. I recognize that not everybody has the privilege to feel safe taking a step like this. If you do, the colleagues you’re protecting will thank you.
Getting By
In Candide, the famous work by Voltaire, the hero rambles through a series of dangerous misadventures. Not everything goes well for Candide. Everything goes quite badly, in fact, leading to many calamities including nearly being burned at the stake.
Candide’s naive optimism fades over the course of his journey. Despite the insistence of his tutor Pangloss that his is the best of all possible worlds, by the end of his adventures Candide is exhausted, embittered, and disenchanted.
Ours is not the best of all possible worlds, but it’s also not the worst. We are not due any promise of freedom from people we don’t like, or from words or deeds that we don’t agree with, appreciate, or enjoy.
It’s not Panglossian to believe that we deserve a workplace that’s free from unnecessary harm. It depends only on our optimism, empathy, and respect for one another.