Leadership and Equanimity
What I've learned from being a parent.
Parenting is hard and it’s full of important lessons in discipline, patience, and self-control.
An example: My son comes home from school, and he’s distraught. Against advice, he’d taken a beloved collectible to school where it was, predictably, lost or stolen. Wife and I had cautioned him against this many times for this very reason! It was an extremely aggravating episode precisely because it was so unsurprising.
How did I react to my sobbing child? With impatience and frustration, of course. I was annoyed at his poor judgement, and that my wisdom went unheard.
In retrospect, my behavior at this moment was pretty terrible. It’s also profoundly human to struggle in moments like this.
My goal in that situation should have been to center the experience of my child, comfort and console him, and try to help him learn what he can take from the experience.
Instead, my behavior sent the message that I’m not to be trusted with bad news. I’ve made this same mistake countless times as a parent, a manager, a leader, and spouse.
Equanimity
Equanimity describes someone who, faced with stress, pressure, and urgency, behaves in a way that is consistent with their intentions. Nearly every Hollywood recreation of a battle scene centers around an unflappably calm hero who makes decisions with urgency and poise as shells explode around him.
(My old boss Jeff Veen gave a great talk on equanimity years ago, about how people can learn it and teams can practice it. He has a great parenting anecdote also — you should watch it.)
The upshot for me is this: Leaders want to make good decisions, and we want to enable our teams to perform at its best. Doing so under pressure requires some extra work.
It’s important to identify the severity of an incident, and sometimes leaders play an important role in helping the team understand the escalation of urgency. But it’s rarely helpful for them to express impatience, anger, blame, or fear — and that’s what I often do.
By modeling consistent comportment, dispassionate decision-making, and sensitivity to the needs of the team, a good leader can inspire perseverance over even the most challenging obstacles.
Maintaining emotional regulation during difficult times is key. This requires discipline, and self-control. When those skills are practiced well, we’re able to quickly sort out our instincts about what to do in the moment from the strategies that will advance us to our long-term goals.
Sadly, none of those things come naturally to me. I’m continually working to interrupt my instincts. These days I think I manage pretty well at it, about half of the time.
Equanimity Framework
I am always half-joking when I say the word “framework” because I think it’s hilarious how coaches and product managers never do anything without one. One of my kids asked for my framework on deciding what to order for dinner.
I’ve come to focus on a few simple ideas about how to preserve and advance my practice of equanimity at home and at work. I hope it helps you maintain equanimity the next time your team is called on to slay a dragon.
Slow down. Does the situation require any decision or action right now? I’ve noticed that about half of the crises I’ll encounter at work look very different a day or two after they’ve initially emerged. I can’t tell you how many times I wish I could go back and un-do what I did or un-say what I said in the first few moments after a difficult situation emerged.
Ask questions. In the early stages of a crisis, I want to learn as much as I possibly can before making decisions, giving instructions, or expressing myself in a way that cannot easily be undone. I try to apply the rule “If you can’t keep your mouth shut, ask questions.”
Ask for help. One way to ask questions in a constructive manner is to share the way you’re thinking about the situation with someone you trust. Ask them for their own point of view, and see if they’ll give a thoughtful critique of yours. Many of us are in the habit of writing strongly-worded email messages that we then do not send — having an open, vulnerable conversation with someone (like your coach or therapist) is a more constructive version of that.
I’m not saying I’ve gotten much better at this, but I hope I’m not getting any worse. Having a set of simple ideas — like a checklist — sometimes seems to help me interrupt my bad habits.
I hope it helps you in your practice of equanimity at work. I’d love to hear your own ideas about what works best, or your appreciation for someone who stayed calm in a difficult situation.