Making your network work
It's not as bad as it sounds.
“Networking”… blech! I am throwing up in my mouth already.
I hate this word because it describes a thing that you’re supposed to already be good at in order to be successful. It’s an idea about success that’s just another way of saying “be a white guy”. Ugh.
Anyone can develop these skills. Often the people who feel most averse to them are often the best at them. Some people find them more approachable when we call them “relationship” skills. So let’s do that.
Your relationships skills are more important than your resume. They are more important than your interview skills. For any business, your networking and relationship skills are just as important as your marketing materials, your website, and your newsletter.
Are you familiar with the stereotype of the well-connected under-achiever who fails languidly upwards on the strength of their connections, their family, or other unearned advantages? Let’s all be more like them!
Going far, going together
Coaching clients report they “just don’t have the relationships” they need to make relationship-driven career development or business development as easy as they would like. Really? No shit! Me neither!
Nor have I found my family name engraved on the walls of any museum or hospital lobbies. Nor are the likeness of my forebears etched into monuments littering our city parks. Nor have I inherited anything more precious than a few cookbooks, a predisposition to high cholesterol and addiction, and the ability to parallel park in a space slightly smaller than my actual car.
(If your name does appear on the wall of the museum or theater lobby, you lucky dog! All you have to do is write down the other names you see next to yours, track those motherfuckers down at the country club, and ask them for, you know, their money. Or ask mommy and daddy when you see them in the Hamptons, or when you visit them in prison or whatever. Now please get lost, your Tesla is blocking the bicycle lane.)
Look: almost nobody believes they have the “right” relationships. You might not have the ones you want, but you have the ones you need to get started.
There are many ways to do that. Here, I will propose one way to get started.
Make three lists of people
Sit down with your phone contacts and browsers logged in to each of your social networks: LinkedIn, Instagram — anywhere you have accounts.
Go through your contacts and make lists of the following people:
Everyone who loves you. Any amount, for any reason. No questions on this one — just make the fucking list.
Everyone you respect and admire. If these people are also already on the first list, great — leave them there.
Anyone who you truly hate and wish for some great evil to befall. This can be someone who committed a great sin against you, or someone who is merely too nicely dressed. Doesn’t matter.
Step 1. For each of the people on the LOVE list, you are going to write a short, thoughtfully-composed, well-written email. You are not going to use AI in any way for this message. It will just take a second. Here’s an example:
Maria, hello. I wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I am looking for new clients for my business. Here’s a link to my website. I know everyone is busy but if you have an opportunity to send any clients my way, I’d truly appreciate it. You’ve always been very supportive and I could use your help right now more than ever. Thanks so much!
Step 2. The RESPECT list. Write a short, thoughtfully-composed, well-written email. Let’s not use AI in any way for these messages, either. Each one will just take a few seconds. Here’s an example:
Albert, hello. I wanted to say how much I respect and admire your work on that project making little origami hats for your parakeets. I was really inspired by that! I told everyone at the office about them, and I sent some people to buy cat booties from your site. I am looking for more clients for my business, and I wanted to share my website with you. If you ever have need of my services, or thought to send any clients my way, I’d sure appreciate it.
Now, the HATE list. Actually we’re not doing anything with that list today. I just thought it might be cathartic for you to make a list of the people who have harmed you. Fuck them, am I right?
What are we doing
What’s the point of this? The point of this is to deconstruct the dark and mysterious art of “networking” into tasks like “making lists” and “writing email messages to people.”
How does this differ from the work that the best networkers in the world do? It does not. They do this work a lot. For the most part, we don’t do it at all.
There is no right way to do it. You have probably already figured out that it doesn’t matter if you make lists of people you love, respect, worked with, worked against, love, hate, are related to, play tennis with… What matters is that you organize your effort in a way that ensures you’re not unintentionally giving your future clients or co-workers the sad and chronic silent treatment.
(There is, in my view, exactly one wrong way to network, business develop, career develop, etc. and that is cold calling. Applying for jobs, asking for business or any other kind of opportunity without trying to leverage a relationship is, in effect, a cold call. Ask yourself: How do you treat the cold calls that come to your cell phone or email inbox? How would you treat the same messages if it came from friends, family, or acquaintances? Set your priorities accordingly.)
I know you, and I know you have inhibitions to overcome in speaking directly to people — even family and close friends — and asking for their support. I love working with people on this. These steps can be taken in small, incremental, painless ways. This is really fun work because it starts to pay off in a very short time.
Remember that quitting is the only way to fail. All other paths — other habits and practices that put you in touch with people who can support your career and business growth — will eventually lead to success.
I’m here if you need me. Good luck!
Not even one nepobaby joke??