New Recruiting Rules

Effective Worldwide for all Employers — April 22 2022

Effective Worldwide for all Employers — April 22 2022

1. Job postings must include not only salary range but total compensation, an overview of benefits, and two references and a credit report for the hiring manager.

2. Employers will now be required to re-type each applicant’s resume into their own damn Applicant Tracking System.

3. You may never again ask us for our “salary expectations.” Our salary expectations are that you don’t try to trick us into lowballing ourselves, ok?

4. It is now forbidden to say you’ll “consider remote for the right candidate” because that is condescending and awful.

5. It is now illegal to require that a candidate has five years of experience with something that has only existed for three years.

6. Every time you require more than 1 year of experience for a “junior” or “associate” job, we kill a kitten.

7. Once you have interviewed a candidate, you are required to communicate to them the status of their application once a week until you hire them, reject them, or die.

8. If you reject a candidate after interviewing them, you are required to tell them why. You can give meaningful feedback, or you can make up a benign-sounding reason. It doesn’t matter because we didn’t want that job anyway.

9. The first two one-hour interviews are free. After that, you pay the equivalent hourly wage of your budgeted salary for every interview, assessment, homework assignment, or case study.

10. The following words are now banned from job postings: Family, Foosball, Ninja, Guru, Rockstar, Hustle, Gravitas, Charisma, Emoji, Beer, Competitive, Executive Presence.

11. You cannot require a college degree if anybody senior to the role does not have one. This includes your CEO, founders, and investors.

Any other suggestions?