Silent in Your Shoes
Silent in Your Shoes
Once upon a time, I met a manager who described to me an employee who in their weekly 1:1’s was continuously talking about their struggles…
Once upon a time, I met a manager who described to me an employee who in their weekly 1:1’s was continuously talking about their struggles with managing their workload. What should the manager do?
It’s tough to generalize. But, as a manager, there is a tool that I try to use for being a good partner to my teammates that I think might be helpful.
The first question I want to ask about this situation is: Why?
Not why does the person have these issues — but why are they choosing to talk about it in every 1:1?
It’s certainly an appropriate topic for a 1:1. But I want to try to go a little bit beyond the face value of the conversation.
My best tool for understanding is my empathy for the experience and choices of others.
In a difficult situation, I want to overcome an emotional instinct to react defensively.
My bias for action might drive me to jump into problem-solving mode, or to get to work on prioritizing.
My desire to be liked might motivate me towards some cheerleading or an effort at an inspiring pep-talking.
But before I do any of that, I should first try to transport myself into the shoes of my collaborator. I’ll try to spend a calm moment there and reflect on the needs or hopes or expectations that led them to say or do what they did.
Imagine that in a 1:1 an employee tells their manager that they’re thinking about going back to school for an advanced degree.
How to react? Should they give their opinion about whether that’s a good career choice? Should they fret about the impact the pursuit might have on the employee’s work?
On a good day, I hope I’ll respond by first putting myself in the person’s shoes. While I’m there, I’ll wiggle my toes while l consider some reasons why I would say this to my manager.
Do I want their opinion? Their approval? Maybe I want to learn if manager thinks it would be helpful in getting the next promotion. These are all things one might be reluctant to come out and say.
Maybe my goal was communicating something about my career ambitions. Maybe I want to learn if my manager takes me as seriously as I’m taking myself.
If that’s the case, hearing the manager’s opinion about my career direction or discussing the impact on my workload is… not what I’m looking for. But if the manager can unlock a career development conversation from this, that’s a big win for everybody!
Obviously, my concern is that somebody who is frequently talking about their workload is looking for some help.
But they might also be proud of their accomplishments despite their struggles. Maybe they’re looking for some recognition from you. That’s another opportunity for a great conversation.
It takes patience, and it takes practice, to continuously be inhabiting somebody else’s shoes. But my eyes have been opened to how powerful empathy is in helping build meaningful, productive connections at work.
If I can keep doing that, I hope I’ll grow a little closer to being the kind of manager I want to be.