Throwing Out the Business
Here’s a strategy I use for dealing with conflict at work.
Here’s a strategy I use for dealing with conflict at work.
Step 1 is to divide your problem into two parts, the business part and the people part.
Step 2 is to throw away the business part.
There is no step 3.
Let’s say you’re having a disagreement with Dave about some feedback he gave a colleague of yours in a meeting. Or let’s say your boss Sarah is giving you a hard time about training decisions you’re making for your team.
Here are the business parts: Is it his role to give feedback to your team members? Is Sarah’s job function to make training decisions? How can you succeed as a manager if you’re being undermined?
And here are the people parts: Why did Dave say those things? What is his motive? What does his communication tell us about his state of mind? Why does Sarah care about training? What does Sarah believe about your role as a leader?
Now throw out the business part. Just decide to forget about it completely. Pretend that you have stopped caring about business things, for a day, or a week, or forever, and decide that you are only going to care about people things.
Because Sarah and Dave are people. They are human beings with hearts, souls, hangnails and haircuts.
Business is important too. Heaven forfend that the widgets or pixels or fluoropolymer coatings don’t get their due attention — they are not going to make themselves. But let’s just set that aside for now.
Ask yourself questions that require an empathetic understanding of the other person. Ask “why” about them, by thinking about their motives, goals, beliefs, and understanding.
Now go and talk to them. In this conversation, try not to say one single thing about the business part of the issue. Just talk to the people about the people parts of the problem.
Make it your goal to gain the best understanding you have of their state of mind without interjecting your own needs, opinions, point of view, fears, worries, or anxieties.
Say things like “I’d like to learn how you think about this issue” or “Tell me some about the aspects of this that are most important to you” or “What are some other ways I could help you get what you want out of this situation?”
It is hard to focus completely on somebody else. But you can do it.
It is much easier to get along with somebody who believes you care about them. The way to do that is by actually caring about them. Once you have invested in making that connection, you’ll be in a much better position to negotiate your differences.
Get out there, try it, and let me know how it goes.