Advice Column #5: Monster Manager 🧌
It's not a performance problem, it's a manager problem.
Dear Bizlet: I’m 32 years old. For two years I’ve had a pretty fancy product manager job at what most people would consider an elite tech company. Everything was going great until a few months ago when I got assigned to a new manager. This lady is going to fire me for sure. She’s unhappy with everything I do. When I roll into the room, her eyes roll right out of her head. If I send her a Slack, she wants an email. If I send her an email, she wants a doc. She’s continuously referring to the “expectations for my role.” The people I work with are all very supportive. I get great feedback from them and other leaders. They’re all mortified about how she handles me. They are all terrified of her too. She has fired four people in the last six months. I have two masters degrees and worked at a Big Four consulting company for 6 years. I’m fixing up my resume but it’s a little hard to find time for this when I’m crying in the bathroom every day. Can you help me understand how my performance could suddenly not be good enough for this lady? —Wanda
Your performance is not the problem, Wanda. It’s just as good now as it has been all of these years.
I can safely predict your future by looking at what you have done. The arrival of a new monster manager in your life has not interrupted your ability to deliver results.
Managers have a profound impact on our mental health. It’s a wicked business. We’re so predisposed to believe what they tell us about ourselves, I’m not even sure it’s entirely their fault anymore.
Why are we like this? Must we be so willing to internalize our managers’ assessments? It would be easier to sustain my outrage if I wasn’t one of them.
People who are locked in a vicious cycle of negative feedback are very hard to comfort. This boss makes up their mind, or the employee makes up their mind that the boss has made up theirs. Either way, if we cannot reset, we’re doomed. Separation is inevitable.
A reboot is the only hope. I’ve seen this work. The manager needs to describe the employee’s role in a way they agree is achievable. The employee needs to describe the manager’s role in supporting them. Both sincerely must believe that the manager can and will see that through.
It’s hard for me to say if you can get there from here. Is there any clue as to why she’s like this? When people behave in extraordinarily weird ways, I try to ask myself if there is an extraordinary circumstance that could lead to their behavior. Maybe you could take her out to lunch and ask her. What do you have to lose?
Start thinking about your next move at the same time. You need a plan A, B, and C, all at the same time, Wanda. Build yourself a professional identity that isn’t too tied to your current job.
Wanda has three things in common with so many people I talk to:
an established track record,
colleagues who they trust who say they’re making a valuable contribution,
a manager who says their work is unacceptable and they’re not living up to expectations.
One of these things is not like the other. That thing is the manager. Do not let this manager convince you that you have a performance problem. You have a manager problem.
You’re not safe at work, Wanda. But you’re going to be ok!
Be safe, be well, and good luck.
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