Networking for Normals
Networking is work -- it says so right in the middle. But it doesn't have to feel like dirty work. Here's how to make networking work for you.
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There is a secret to networking. Or it was a secret, until now.
Career advice frequently includes the suggestion to hone your networking skills, as though it’s a perfectly normal thing. To most of us, the word networking is synonymous with spam, sleazy come-ons, and transactional attempts to monetize a personal relationship.
There’s even a Cornell University study on “The Effects of Networking” and how it can “make us feel dirty.” Turns out I’m not the only one who wants a quick shower after checking my LinkedIn inbox.
While most will admit to a degree of discomfort with the subject, career experts often breezily insist that connecting with people is easy. I’m certainly guilty of this myself. It’s unhelpful to ignore that most people find the practice (the study calls it “social networking” which explains a lot) intimidating, phony, or just plain gross.
It can be especially challenging for those who are neurodivergent, introverted, or who just don’t feel safe or comfortable approaching people, especially strangers. I’ve read that in-person networking events pose special challenges for the ND community, something that could be improved if more people were aware of it.
Here’s some good news: there are ways to do networking that should feel fairly natural and safe, and not give you those spammy vibes.
What is networking, and why?
We call it it a social “network” to describe the idea that relationships between people ultimately connect us all. Information, reputations, and trust travel on that network not unlike the way cars traverse the highway system or packets travel across the internet.
For the same reason people choose to travel on well-utilized roads, people prefer to do business with people they know. My first choice is to do business with people of whom I have some first-hand knowledge. A “friend of a friend” isn’t quite as trusted, but is certainly preferable to a perfect stranger.
Whether I’m hiring, buying, or recommending someone to go on a date with a friend, a pre-existing relationship is vastly preferable to no relationship. In a pinch, I’ll try to accelerate the creation of a relationship with a newly-met person before I make a major transaction with them. That’s not news to a practiced salesperson who will get right to work on becoming your friend just as soon as they’ve met you.
Research supports the value of trust relationships in every facet of business, including sales, marketing, business development. Nowhere is it more important than recruiting:
82% of employers said that employee referrals generate the best ROI.
Referred candidates move through the process 55% faster, according to HR Technologist.
88% of employers said that referrals are the best source for above-average candidates. That’s you!
To help you take advantage of these phenomena, you’ll get plenty of career advice oriented towards helping you make a connection with somebody who works at the company you want to join. That’s a fine idea, if you can make it happen. Is it possible to get someone who you don’t know to refer you for a job? Yes, it’s possible. Can you accomplish that without fairly aggressive tactics that can leave you feeling like a complete phony? I think not.
Authentic personal relationships — between friends, colleagues, former co-workers — are influential in a healthy majority of successful job searches among my clients. I’m not talking about close relationships or intimate friendships. “Authentic” just means relationships that aren’t compensated or non-consensual. It excludes anybody that sends you unwelcome messages, basically. Or who uses the word “webinar.”
In any business relationship, and especially when you’re looking for a job, it’s a huge help to have, well, a helper. My estimate is that some kind of personal relationship — minimal viable acquaintances included — will support the majority of successful job searches. It’s true for every job I’ve personally gotten in the last twenty years. As more senior roles are considered (VP+) , hires are virtually certain to be be influenced by a personal relationship or referral.
How does networking work?
In my eBook How to Business I describe what I call the “activation model.” It’s a very simple idea, based on the hypothesis that the primary goal of your networking should be to “activate” relationships with people you already know.
Most of the instruction on networking that I’ve seen focuses on connecting with new people. My approach says that the people you already know are the low-hanging fruit of networking. It’s vastly less work to network with them, and they’re more likely to produce an actionable lead. You’ll also feel a lot less dirty while you’re doing it. So for most people, I think this is where the opportunity lies.
Naturally, it’s a healthy career habit to continuously be expanding your network by meeting new people also. For sales and bizdev people who need to generate revenue, this is essential — probably the core focus of their networking activities.
For your career development, depending on your work and your role, if you keep up your network activation, you may not ever need to invest in actively growing your network. For many it will be enough to thoughtfully cultivate the relationships that develop naturally as you travel through the world. For others, there are many ways to grow your network beyond the people you meet during business hours. I’ll touch on some of these below.
In this article I’m primarily going to focus on activating existing relationships. People seeking to network with they already know face two challenges:
They think they don’t know enough of the “right” people.
They’re uncomfortable with selling themselves, make a pitch, or deliver a prepared message about what they want.
I’m pleased to report that neither of these things need to be confronted or overcome. Here’s why:
The Secret to Networking
The secret is this: Just say “hello.”
Networking is not selling. It’s not pitching, and it’s not even asking. If you’re looking for a job, you don’t need to do any of those things in order to maintain, grow, and activate your network. It all starts with “hello.”
For job seekers, your mission is simply to activate as many of your existing relationships as possible. “Activate” means get re-connected, refresh the relationship, or just remind the people who you already know that you’re out here. Tell them that you still exist. Nothing about this should feel dirty. If it makes you feel bad, it’s probably because you’re thinking too hard about who to network with and how.
Almost every client I talk to about networking has the same very reasonable worry. They’re concerned that they don’t know enough of the “right people” to network with. I understand this worry, but it’s truly not something that will hold you back.
The right people to network with are any and all people who you know or have known, even just a little bit. That includes everyone you’ve ever worked with, all of your family, all of your friends, and even acquaintances. Look in your email inbox and your social media connections — those are all people you want to be getting in touch with.
Try not to think too much about how likely any specific person is to be able to help you. Random connections can lead to good opportunities, but they won’t if you don’t give them a chance. By focusing on what someone can or cannot do for you, you’re setting up the performative, transactional exchange that is sure to give you that yucky feeling.
Pick a person from your inbox, contacts, or LinkedIn network and just say “hello.” It only takes a few minutes to activate (or refresh, or remind) each person individually. Send an email, text message, phone call — whatever seems appropriate.
Remind the person of your relationship, and help them remember something interesting or positive about you. Ask them a question about themselves, then mention that you’re looking for a new job. That’s all!
Here’s a script:
Hello Leo! It’s been ages since we worked together at Blah Corp. I was thinking about how much fun we had that day playing pickleball at the offsite. I wanted to say hello and see how you’re doing over at Foo Industries. I’ve been working as a Program Manager at Derp Corp and I’m starting to look for a new role. How are little Leroy and Laron? When you have a minute, write me back and let me know what’s new with you. —Darcy
That’s all you need. Some of these messages will go unanswered, and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean the message didn’t do its job. Some people will write back with their own questions about you or your career. From that a more in-depth conversation might arise. An opportunity might come in a reply back to you weeks or months later. Or a friendship could suddenly blossom. You never know!
At a minimum, if Leo thinks positively of you for a moment, maybe in a week or a month he’ll hear about a role that you’re a fit for. He’s more likely to mention it to you after he’s received this message, isn’t he? He’s certainly more likely to do than than he was before you got back in touch.
Also, imagine that you exchange messages like this with Leo in March, and then you apply for a job at Foo Industries in July. Won’t it be a lot easier to ask Leo if he can put in a word for you than it would be if you hadn’t written that email?
Other ways to connect
That example is an easy way to reconnect with someone. If you’ve started or are planning a job search, you could prioritize connecting with people who are working at companies you might like to join in the future. Once you’ve found a job posting at that company, you can go back to the person and ask if they can refer you internally for the role.
Don’t neglect people in your network because they don’t seem like future co-workers. Again, opportunities can arise in any number of ways that you would not expect. Remember that relationships are a two-way street. Maybe the person you re-connect with can’t help you, but somehow it happens that you’re able to help them. Even better! Now you’ve earned an ally who’ll probably be willing to work twice as hard to help next time you turn up in their inbox.
The best networking message is simple and transparent. There are an infinite number of ways to tie network activation in to other activities that aren’t based on a “just say hello” email. Here are a few ideas:
Ask someone to write you a LinkedIn recommendation. This achieves the purpose of reminding someone that you exist, and gets them thinking about how great you are. There is some science to support the very weird Ben Franklin effect which suggests that people will view favorably someone they’ve done a favor for.1
Write a recommendation for them! I hereby propose a new rule of etiquette: always write a reciprocal recommendation when someone writes one for you. You’re investing in a relationships with someone who’s shown they want you in their network.
Write reviews, endorsements, blog posts, or tweets about the companies, people, and products that you love the most. Tag relevant people in your network. Creating relevant social content activates the relationships of the people you’re connected to, and attracts the attention of potential employers.
Be involved in a trade association. This gives you a reason to be in touch with tons of people in your industry. Someone who is active in a trade association over a period of time can lock in an enormous network that will work for them for years to come.
Find a reason to get involved with your colleagues in the sales or business development process. You’ll be guaranteed to meet people in your industry, and you’ll be encountering them in a context that’s by definition relevant to your work. This is partly reason that I have the network I do.
Closing the Deal
Networking feels bad when it’s done badly. If you’re concerned about feeling dirty, chances are you’re taking cues from people whose use an impersonal, spammy, or yucky approach.
Focus on a sincere interest in activating healthy, authentic relationships that both people can gain from. And while you’re doing that, make sure you’re networking with me!
“He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.” That’s from Ben Franklin’s autobiography.