Giving Feedback: Say Yes to Something
What's your favorite thing about "constructive criticism?" That nobody likes it, that it doesn't work, or that it totally sucks?
A manager sometimes has to give difficult feedback. Like any job, this can be done well, or poorly.
Managers have unquestioningly inherited an authoritarian approach called “constructive criticism.” This authoritarian behaviors are an anachronism. They belong in the dustbin along with other command-and-control traditions and our patriarchal leadership stereotypes. Put another way: it sucks.
Nobody decided to use “constructive criticism” because it works. It does not! We shouldn’t have needed to be told, but the data shows that criticizing the behavior of others just doesn’t work. Like so many outdated traditions at work, we do this simply because it’s the way things have always been done.
It’s well past time for a change. Here are some ideas on how to do things a bit better, while still getting things done.
🐝 Positive!
Come on, friends, let’s be honest. Deep down we all knew that “constructive criticism” was too good to be true. We wanted something that sounded better than fault-finding and disapproval, and this is what we got. It should really come as no surprise to find out its fatal flaws.
If it’s criticism, can it really be constructive? And, let’s face it, most of what passes for criticism from a manager hardly passes as an insightful critique. It’s very often unstructured, unsupported, opinionated, and avoidant: “Don’t do this, because I don’t like it.”
Here’s my alternative: I’ve phased out criticism in my own practice as a manager (and as a parent, because why not!) I’m not saying that I’m perfect, but for the most part I no longer deliver negative feedback. You can do it, too.
It’s simple. When I want someone to improve or do something differently, I structure my message as positive feedback. “More of this” is one to think of it. You can add “less of that” if it’s helpful, but even that might not be necessary if you can be positive enough.
Once you get good enough at it, almost any situation can be dealt with this way. And I’m getting pretty god at it, reader. If somebody is punching me, I’ll probably ask them to stop. Short of that…
Here, watch this:
Diane, we enjoy it when you are super well-prepared for the meeting, like you did last week. Everybody noticed how you had everything gathered before the meeting started. This week, you know, we noticed a difference.
David! You’ve got an amazing talent for visual communication. In the next product meeting, could you bring more pictures and illustrations, please?
Hi Terrence. When you brought soup for lunch last week and you microwaved it, it filled the office with a delightful aroma. When you heated up the tunafish sandwich today, it was not as wonderful.
William, you are such a kind and considerate child. I want you to know that when you clean up your toys, and leave my living room floor free of Legos, it fills my heart with joy and gratitude.
It takes some practice. The reward is feedback that people actually want to receive. The research shows that this works! It transforms the experience of being a manager from being an angry cop to being an inspiring leader. Give it a try.
One final question to put this approach to the test: Does it sound more like the way that you want to be managed?
Be Concise
Feedback should be concise. Even when framed as positive, be brief. Your anxiety will lead you to excess use of words. This prolongs the process unnecessarily. A manager’s training in self-awareness should prevent an awkward conversation from taking any longer than necessary.
Here’s a framework for a feedback conversation:
Tell a team member that you want to share some feedback.
Share the feedback.
End the meeting and exit the room!
That’s a humane conversation, buddy. Nice job!
Here’s a script:
I want to share some feedback about your work. Not all of it is entirely positive, but these aren’t serious issues. I hope you’ll consider the suggestions and make some adjustments. [Here’s the feedback.] Ok, end of meeting. We’re good! Thanks, see you tomorrow.
Never expect an employee to process your feedback in the meeting. That’s deeply inhumane, bordering on fully fucked up. This isn’t therapy!
Difficult Feedback
In a more difficult permutation, the conversation with the manager might sound like this:
I need to share some feedback about your work. This is going to be a tough conversation. After we discuss the feedback, I’m going to share a Performance Improvement Plan that we’ll use to measure your progress over the next three months. This will determine whether you’ll be able to continue in your role. Does that make sense? Okay, let’s get started.
This example is abbreviated. It might take a little more time to land the message properly with your colleague so that it doesn’t feel rushed.
In either case it is essential that no employee spends time in a feedback conversation worrying or wondering if they’re being fired. Put the headline in the first part of the meeting. Do not assume that it is clear until you’ve made it explicit.
People who have been managers for a long time may have spent a big part of their lives not worrying if they’re about to be fired. That’s a privilege that people in the early part of their careers may not enjoy. Being aware of this privilege is a form of empathy that managers can extend to their employees.
Respectful Feedback
Managers are obligated to give feedback that is respectful and compassionate. That means understanding the experience of the employee and centering their needs and experience in the choices you make in delivering it.
Do not “save up” feedback until you have accumulated a lethal dose. This is a classic behavior of managers who are centering their own needs. I’ve had this done to me, and it’s awful. And yet I have also made the same stupid mistake.
Deliver feedback when it’s fresh. The stakes will seem lower to the recipient when you’re sharing something that happened recently than if you had to send Indiana Jones to dig up evidence of something from long ago. Managers who have an open, kind, and trusting relationship can share feedback weekly in 1:1s with their team without fear.
Give respectful feedback that acknowledges that your performance as a manager contributes to the performance of the people on your team. Be brave! If you can acknowledge that your manager impacts your performance, you can see that your own performance also impacts your team. No shame in it, chief.
Try this out:
“I want to share responsibility with you for these issues. What I could have done differently to help you succeed?”
It’s hard at first to admit that you’re not perfect. Start by admitting that your boss isn’t perfect. See, that’s easier, isn’t it?
Managers are respected when they give clear, transparent feedback that is easily understood by their team. They ask questions to seek confirmation from their colleagues that the meaning of the feedback is understood: “Am I making sense? Does that sounds reasonable?”
When these behaviors come together, the exchange of feedback in both directions builds trust and respect between the manager and employee. It’s the antithesis of the annual review process, or of “constructive criticism” when a poorly-reasoned critique is made by someone who I don’t understand, trust, or respect.