You're All Animals
These are some of the many different creatures you'll meet at work.
I found a list of words used to describe matters relating to specific types of animals — feline, canine, equine, and so on — and I’m fully obsessed with it.
We need a break from the recent numinous talk of ghostly apparitions haunting us in our careers and business. So for today I’ve chosen a lighter topic.
We’ll celebrate Shark Week with our own study of workplace zoology — that’s my term for the study of the weird and wonderful people we work with and the animals they resemble.
I hope you’ll enjoy comparing your colleagues to the creatures on this list, and the habits continue to delight and surprise us. Along the way I hope you’ll share in my delightful discovery of some strange and wonderful words the English language provides us to describe them.
Which remind you most of yourself? Recognize any colleagues in your particular zoo?
Ursine
Bear-like workers might have a lazy reputation, or get noticed for their way of lumbering inelegantly into a sticky situation. What’s most remarkable about them, though, is their extraordinarily ability to conserve energy during lean times.
The height and weight of a bear makes them a great ally in a fight. They can put their mass to work in decisive and even deadly bursts when it counts. When the bear starts throwing their weight around, you’ll want to steer clear.
Usrine Fact: Polar bears are one of only a few species known to hunt human beings. The other are lions, tigers, leopards, crocodiles, and the Internal Revenue Service. Usage:
Now that the CEO has asked about the project, expect the VP to get involved in a his very ursine way.
Feline
Managers lament “herding cats,” the futile effort to get a team of felines all pointed in the same direction. That frustrating work, but there’s no more comforting companion to have around when you need a real friend. The cat’s reputation contains a amusing contradiction: they’re often found sleeping and reluctant to stir, yet they’re capable of incredible feats of agility — but never on command. So more or less the same as your favorite Creative Director.
Feline Fact: A group of kittens is called a “kindle” and a group of cats is a “clowder” but do not use either of these in standup.
Usage:
John can be a bit of a feline but once you get him interested in something he can make quick work of it.
Canine
The slogan “man’s best friend” needs rewriting, since dogs are utterly ambivalent as to the gender of the human objects of their affection.
These are the most successfully and extensively domesticated mammals on the planet. Breeds are adapted for tasks as diverse as hunting, herding, and emotional support, which is basically the job description of most middle managers. One of my first projects when starting a new job is to find the folks with whom I want to be be loyal, lasting friends — partners in my workplace hunts, tending to the herds, and for emotional support.
Canine Fact: I’m personally not a fan of it, but the science seems to show a positive impact on wellness associated with dog-friendly work policies.
Usage:
As the leader of this team, I’m here to defend you, support you, and look out for your interests — all with canine loyalty and ferocity.
Ovine
“Ovine” is my favorite animal adjective and it’s perfect for 2023. It perfectly captures our culture’s sheep-like credulity and complacency as we rush to embrace AI.
There’s a saying that every workplace needs sheep to do the work, and shepherds to mind them. Ironic, then, that those who tend the flock (“managers”) are more likely to be praised for docile compliance. Workers, sadly, are unlikely to earn notice for simply going with the flow.
Sheep Fact: Despite their docile reputation, sheep have been found to have rich and complex emotional lives. It’s good to have one along, then, if you’re crying in the bathroom.
Usage:
Do we have to build every feature that our competitors build? Don’t our customers want more from us than this ovine similarity?
The Lupine
The reputation of a wolf also carries two contradictory ideas. As a pack animal, wolves are highly social creatures often found in groups. On the other hand, the proverbial “lone wolf” is a solitary hunter who prefers to work alone.
If you’ve styled yourself the latter, I have some difficult news. Lone wolves found in nature are only on a short-term solo journey. They’re still part of a pack, and the hunter (or huntress) will likely rejoin their team before too long.
Social ways of living and working aren’t the only way to win, but it’s generally a quicker and safer recipe for most kinds of success. Tightly-knit lupine families exhibit cooperative and altruistic behavior, enabling them to thrive even in hostile circumstances. Wolves are proof that a well-functioning team works for the benefit of all of its members.
Lupine Fact: The idea of an “alpha wolf” is a myth that grew from studying wolves in captivity. In the wild, behavior previously thought of dominant is simply the role of a parent or parents — of either gender. According to Scientific American, wolves with no blood relation are placed together in captivity, an ad-hoc dominance hierarchy arises. This behavior is intrinsic to the artificial circumstances, analogous to a gang in a human prison, or the HR department in a big tech company.
Usage:
Lora’s team is very lupine: super-organized in hierarchical teams, with frequent and regimented communication between them.
The Serpentine
The word “anguine” refers to snakes but “serpentine” is funner to say. It also captures something special about that one creep slithering around the office.
It’s tough being a snake (I’ve heard!) as they’re among the most misunderstood creatures on the planet. The rep for danger is attributable to a handful of venomous cousins, ancient myths, and unfortunate misunderstandings.
The snake is also a potent religious symbol. In various stories they evoke renewal, infinity, fertility, and transformation. Unfortunately, the serpent’s single brief but consequential role in the first chapter of a particularly well-known religious text has tarnished its reputation permanently.
With rare exception, snakes are perfectly silent creatures, so they’re strangely cast in the role of deceitful and manipulative liar. All snakes are carnivores, but most post no danger to humans. They’re generally docile, sedentary, and quite clever for their brain size.
Serpentine Fact: Snakes breathe through their nostrils, but smell mostly with their tongue. They gather audible information through sensing vibrations in their jaws. Snakes have no ears to keep to the ground, but since their entire body stays so close to it, they’re among the first to know what’s up.
Usage:
It’s great that he’s trying to gain more responsibility, but does he need to be so serpentine about it?
Vulpine
The saying “crazy like a fox” reflects our image of a cunning, clever, conniving critter or a playful trickster. At work, the fox employs every strategy or tactic necessary in order to get the job done.
In the wild, foxes have more in common with cats than wolves. They’re solitary, nocturnal, and rarely show interest in the affairs of humans. Some will attack a complicated problem at work with a big committee and a catered lunch. The fox will sneak into the office at night, fix the problem while everyone is sleeping, and seek nor expect and credit the next day.
Usage:
If that bug is still open by Friday I’m going to go vulpine and fix it myself over the weekend.
Vulpine Fact:
What can a fox say? Foxes have a surprisingly rich repertoire of verbal utterances — up to 40 different calls and sounds — which they use frequently for territorial defence. Unlike our lupine friends, foxes work alone. They’re rarely found in groups except when actively engaged in raising young in their underground den.
Psittacine
Finally, a quick look at my favorite animal word.
Psittacine sounds like “sit-a-sign.” The literal meaning is “resembling or characteristic of parrots.”
The word is transformed into a viciously low-key insult when used to suggest that someone is merely repeating what they’ve already heard, as in:
It was an utterly uncontroversial presentation. I can say I disagreed with any of it, but I was really hoping for something less psittacine.
That’s a seriously sick burn. Somebody call a vet!
See y’all next week.