Hidden Agendas

Three ways for managers and teams to make meetings work better.

The topic of meeting etiquette is one that always seems to touch raw nerve. I have finally figured out why.

Meetings are a huge part of our work day, and it’s the part over which we have the least control. Before meetings, an “invitation” was a sign of future fun event, like a party, or a Bar Mitzvah. Today, we celebrate a meeting invite as we would a “winning” lottery ticket to The Hunger Games.

Our time in meetings is often spent at the whim and whimsy of others. For many it’s not uncommon for most or even all of our regular work hours to be scheduled by others, leaving little time for our own work habits to have much effect. In this context, an invitation to a meeting is like having time stolen from your day.

I want to share three work habits for people looking to influence the meeting culture in the workplace. They are:

1. A “No Surprises” Policy aims to moderate the stress a leader causes when they schedule a 1:1 with someone with less seniority.

2. Attendance Optional is an idea captured by the slogan “Attendance is optional, but participation is mandatory.¹” This is also supported by a “Nope!” rule, described later.

3. The “Five After Start” rule says out loud an obvious thing that nobody talks about: nobody can be on time for 2pm meeting if their 1pm meeting is one hour long.

Okay, ready? Here we go!

Good Meetings, Great People

When it comes to meetings, good work habits are emotionally intelligent ones. Good meetings occur when high-EQ people get together and work together with self-awareness, respect, and empathy for one another.

A meeting organizer is in a leadership role, even if only for that hour or two. Most terrible meetings occur as a result of poor leadership. I count myself among leaders who have allowed bad meetings to happen as a result of self-absorption, impertinence, laziness, or bad brain chemistry.

Excellent meetings often seem to happen when people with high EQ are around. They seem to attract calm and thoughtful collaborators whose attitudes are enhanced by psychological safety. For starters, courtesy and respect play a big role. Meeting organizers who are self-aware and who have empathy for their colleagues.

I’ve heard and read countless tips and listicles on meeting etiquette and productivity. By now everybody has read something like “The 3 P’s of Productive Meetings.” Or maybe you prefer the 4 P’s, the 5 P’s, or even the 6 P’s! That’s a lot of P’s! They seem to be saying we should give P’s a chance.

Today I’m going to share three ideas that I think you won’t find on any listicles. Unless this is one. Heckit!

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1. No Surprises

Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash

Once upon a time, on a Friday at about 4pm, my manager scheduled a 1:1 meeting with me for the following Monday morning. No subject or agenda was given in the invite. We already had a weekly 1:1 scheduled, so I started wondering what the meeting was about.

Over the next few hours, wonder turned to worry, and worry gave way to anxiety. I sent a DM asking “Hey, can you give me an idea about what the meeting on Monday is about, so I can prepare?” His crisp reply on Saturday morning was: “No preparation necessary.”

What does that even mean? I showed his message to my wife. I texted my therapist. I started to spiral. I tossed and turned until Monday morning rolled around. The subject my boss wanted to discuss was finally revealed: he wanted my help brainstorming new product features for a big customer.

I felt some relief, then I got a little mad. When I explained to my manager that his communication style had caused me a lot of stress, he was surprised. He felt our relationship was good enough that he should be able to schedule a quick meeting without having to worry about such things.

The Power Gap

This is an easy mistake for a manager to innocently make. Everybody wants to feel like one of the team. Nobody wants to walk on eggshells for fear of freaking someone out.

Managers would like to forget about the power imbalance between them and the people they lead. But that imbalance is never very far from the minds of the workers.

My “No Surprises Policy” is an ongoing effort to reduce the unnecessary anxiety I cause as I move through the week.

1. I don’t make announcements in a group meeting that have a major impact on any individual or their work before the affected people know about it.

2. I never set a meeting without an agenda that describes the purpose of the meeting and what I expect from the contributors.

3. Regular 1:1’s always have the same agenda. For any other 1:1, you’ll know the reason for the meeting when I schedule it.

The last one is really important. A typical meeting invitation from a manager says something like “Matthew/Sara Catch Up” or even just “Josephine/Geraldine.” Managers do this when they have nothing specific on their mind, but the rest of us don’t know that. It’s a tiny bit of extra work to say what you want to talk about. If you have nothing to talk about… you can and should say that.

Here are some examples of what a manager could include in the invite to help set the right expectations:

Hey Maria, I scheduled a 1:1 for us on Friday. I want your help on a deck that I’m working on. I’ll send it the day before and then you can talk me through your feedback. Sound good?

Hey Maria, I scheduled a 1:1 for us on Friday. No surprises in this meeting, just want to spend a little time hearing how things are going, and to listen to anything you might have to share. It’s an informal conversation, no preparation required.

Obviously that doesn’t work if you do have something serious or important to discuss. I’ve noticed that we’re even less likely to supply an agenda when the topic is challenging. That’s weak sauce — these are exactly the circumstances when that information is needed the most.

Here’s an example of a message to support a more difficult conversation:

Hey David, I schedule a 1:1 for us on Friday. I want to talk to you about some of your recent work. It’s not going to be your favorite meeting of the week, but it’s not going to be terrible and you and I are both going to be fine.

Even in the most difficult conversations, clear is kind. You’re not sparing the person from nervous anticipation. That is unavoidable, so you might as well clear it up.

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2. Attendance Mandatory

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash of people who seem to be in a meeting, but not with each other.

This simple slogan will help you socialize a new policy that will improve your meeting productivity:

“Attendance optional” means that you’re only expected to attend the meeting if you have a good reason to. “Participation mandatory” means that if you do attend, you better show all the way up. That means phone in your pocket, laptop closed, and attention devoted to the work at hand.

We all have colleagues who think that they’re sending out “I’m busy and important” vibes when they’re working their phone or laptop during a meeting. What this really signals is your lack of respect for the meeting organizer and your colleagues. I’ve offended on this many times in the past, and I wish I could have them all back.

It’s an honest mistake, and it’s made with one’s heart in the right place. When you find yourself pulled to “multitask” during a meeting, the courageous and respectful move is to simply leave the meeting.

Some CEO’s have gone so far as to encourage their teams to politely excuse themselves from a meeting if they determine they’re not adding value. Every senior management team should consider sending out this same message to their teams. It’s a great look to say “I trust you” to challenge our cultural norms when you think it’s good for business.

(I call this the “Nope!” rule, because you’ll say that word silently to yourself as you politely depart a meeting. In a video meeting, you can say in the chat “I’m excusing myself from this meeting. Let me know if you need me!” then disconnect. If you’re in person, just stand up, say the word “Nope!” with a raspy whisper, then spin on your heel and walk out of the room².)

For me, this policy is a huge winner. Unfortunately, it’s useless as a blanket proclamation from a senior executive until it’s demonstrated — performatively, if necessary — by the leaders themselves. The reality is that nobody on your team is going to excuse themselves mid-meeting until they’ve seen the leaders do it, and/or their peers praised for doing the same thing.

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3. The Five After Start

Photo by Akshar Dave🌻 on Unsplash

This is so simple that it’s really quite stupid. It highlights how beholden we are to the normal way of doing things, even when they’re obviously working against us. Why are we like this?!

The five after start rule says this:

Meetings will start strictly on time, 5 minutes after the hour or half hour.

Thoughtful meeting organizers will also try to end meetings a few minutes before the scheduled time, to allow everybody time to get to their next meeting. That’s now a “nice to have” because the five minutes at the start of every meeting block are effectively culturally unbookable.

This has a couple of interesting effects. First, it empowers the meeting organizer to start meetings precisely at the appointed time. Those five minutes gobble up all of the reasons that people give for showing up 8 or 10 minutes late.

When I was working at a company that followed this rule, every single meeting started exactly at :05. It was pretty amusing to watch the clock as the second hand sweeps past twelve. Within a few seconds, people will start to get very nervous. Thirty seconds after the :05 mark, the meeting has either begun, or been canceled.

Can you imagine a scenario where every meeting starts within one minute of the scheduled time? We deserve this! We can have it, and this is how.

The rigid :05 start time relieves people from the experience of sitting around looking at each other waiting for someone to decide it’s safe to start. That peculiar effect, which happens many times a day in companies more numerous than grains of sand in the universe, is one of the most heinous and irredeemable wastes of time that we are subjected to on the regular.

The :05 start also provides every human being with a few unscheduled minutes in every fucking hour, which should be part of a human rights convention and/or enforced by OSHA. It makes days that are booked back-to-back utterly survivable. Those five minutes make the difference between a busy day and one that completely drains the life force from your body like a desperate, crusty, dusty vampire.

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I hope you’ll give any or all of these a try, and let me know how it turns out! Share with me your own ways of getting the most from a meeting. Post a comment below, or if you get this in your inbox, just hit reply.

1. I have shamelessly stolen this from my former boss Jeff Veen. Thanks, Jeff!

2. Don’t do this. Just quietly get up and leave.