Horns 😈 or Halo Part 2: (How to) Deal with the Devil

How to handle the people at work who you just can't stand

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I’m no angel, and neither is this guy.

In the first installment of this two-part series, I shared a pattern I’ve noticed: Managers often see certain people they work with in a polarized way. They’re either angels who can do no wrong, or devils who are no better than their last mistake.

In reality, managers aren’t quite that myopic, and their employees aren’t so one-dimensional. I talked about how I’ve found that managers who develop an overly simplistic but favorable view of their teammates can fall into the trap of favoritism.

Today, we’ll discuss the opposite problem: Dealing with people who are impossible to deal with.

Sound like anyone you know?

Assume Good Intent

A nun holding a sword.

“Assume good intent¹” is a soothing bromide that is frequently dispensed to people who are working under a manager or with colleagues who they just cannot stand. It’s wholesome, well-meaning advice that’s meant to challenge you to see the best before you assume the worst.

I truly hate this slogan. Even just writing the words make me seethe in simmering paroxysms of rage. It’s one of those workplace aphorisms that is objectively terrible advice — no matter the situation! Yet for some reason, it is doled out on the regular by people who I assume have no better ideas.

“Assume good intent™️” — it’s such a warm an uncontroversial idea, it’s a wonder we haven’t seen this taken up as a corporate slogan for, I don’t know, eBay. Oh! It would be perfect for Tinder!

It’s bad advice when you’re shopping online, it’s bad advice when you’re going on a date with someone you met on the internet, and it’s really terrible advice for managers, workers, and really everyone ever.

I despise this turn of phrase because the words always presage a request that you forgive someone for being very stupid, because of their saintly intentions. Their heart was in the right place, reader, so why isn’t yours?

This is the weakest of weak sauces. Depend on a poor manager to apply it liberally to everything they serve. Here in the real world, real people are judged by their real choices. And, critically, by how people perceive those choices.

We should assume that good people have good intentions. And if so, we should forgive their occasional error. That’s all fine.

When the words are sometimes used to mount a kind of diplomatic immunity for someone whose intentions are questionable, is always seems to be for someone with more power or privilege than the one being asked to forgive.

It also seems a bit twisted to expect people to assume the good intentions of someone who, you know, could not be bothered to say them out loud.

So, my position is that “assume good intent” is not a recipe for effectively managing the people you’re feeling a little stabby towards.

I mean, don’t assume bad intent, either. Wait — is it even necessary to assume anything at all?

Ask Why

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

So, what’s the opposite of “assume good intent?” Here you go:

Seize the advantage by attacking first, using surprise to catch your opponent off guard.

Wait, sorry, wrong slogan — that’s something I’m working on for another article.

Let’s try this one instead:

“If someone is acting in a way that seems irrational, they’re probably going through something that I just don’t understand.”²

It’s unrealistic to expect people to preemptively release others from accountability, on the presumption of their good intentions. Leaders in particular should not expect teams to measure them solely on their meaning or purpose, because their words and deeds will be taken as the more reliable measure of their character.

This has been a tough lesson to learn, and I’ve spent roughly my entire adult life trying to learn it. I expect to be judged as a leader based on how I’m perceived, regardless of my good intentions, so I try to continually be evaluating how I’m communicating about both. For me, this is right at the core of what being an emotionally intelligent manager is all about.

Coming at it from the opposite perspective, when I find myself at loggerheads with someone, I’ve found it enlightening to take a moment to remind myself that it’s very likely that they have intentions they believe are good. I just don’t know what they are. Yet.

When I encounter someone I find disagreeable, my instinct might be to argue, or to avoid conflict by de-escalating. One way I’m trying to do the latter is to avoid making statements about them or about me, and focus on asking questions instead:

• Could you tell me more about what you’re trying to accomplish in this conversation?

• Are there any alternatives to this position that you’re willing to consider?

• From your perspective, what decision or action on my part would be most helpful or agreeable to you right now?

What if They’re Right?

Plenty of decisions, statements, and actions are just bad or wrong. If there are expressions of hate or personal animosity, a person or a group is being discriminated against, or any time you feel your personal safety (physical or emotional) is in jeopardy — you don’t need to have a good idea about how to respond. Just get yourself out of there.

For workaday, businesslike disagreements, misalignments, or differences of opinion, my favorite solution lately is to ask myself this question:

What if they’re right³? If I were willing to completely abandon my position to adopt theirs, could I still get some or all of what I want?

Sometimes, without even realizing it, I find myself defending a position that I am no longer sure is best. I’m just arguing for it because… well, it’s mine. I’m always dismayed when I catch myself doing this, and I’m trying harder to make the discovery as early as I can.

Recognizing that you don’t have to lose in order for another person to win is an incredibly empowering idea. It’s great way of looking for compromise, and you’ll find it faster if you remember to make looking for it the first thing you do.⁴

1. If a treacly business catchphrase isn’t quite condescending enough, try adding the words “You poor, sweet summer child” to the end. Fun, right?

2. See, toldja.

3. You won’t be able to un-hear this now.

4. You poor, sweet sum- OK OK I’ll just show myself out.